Coming out, and not how you’d think.

*sigh* Today has been an interesting day. I have not been feeling too well recently, I’ve been cheating on my wheat-free diet and am suffering the consequences. I love wheat. I love pasta, cakes, cookies, bread, bagels, challah, brownies, matzoh, you name it. After Passover this year, I noticed that I felt considerably better than usual. I figured it was due to both the Spiritual and physical adherence to Kashrut law during Passover and so I decided I would continue on without eating leavened bread (which spread to all wheat products) and keep kosher on Shabbos.

I used to keep kosher by default. I was vegan, then vegetarian, and didn’t have to worry about it. I’ve always had digestive issues, and was told it was because I likely had Crohn’s, because my father had Crohn’s and apparently it’s hereditary. Well, as it turns out, he never had Crohn’s, and neither do I. I do, however, have IBS. Something I’ve never discussed because frankly, it’s embarrassing and awful. When I say I’ve never discussed it, I really mean that aside from with my doctors, my moms-by-choice, and one woman at a shul I visited who confided in me that she suffered also, I’ve never discussed it. Not even with Jessica. Which leads me to the title of the post. Today, I finally admitted to her why I have “off” days where I don’t want to go out and do things, and what it’s really about. I explained to her (to the best of my ability), what happens to me. I hated it, and now she wants me to go to the doctor. I’ve told her I’ve talked to enough of them to know that there is no definitive test for it, and that really, you get diagnosed sort of as a catch-all/default. She said if being wheat-free doesn’t help, she wants me to go in again. That’s the issue…the wheat and the sugar. Well, and caffeine too, which I feel like I *need* to function (and yes…I know that it’s an addiction. It is my one vice).

So here I sit. Out. I’ve disclosed my personal demon to my wife, and now to all of cyber-space. Frankly, I don’t have a huge readership so I’m not feeling all that vulnerable. I need to figure out how to really be wheat-free, how to be honest about my sugar consumption, and to live with this as it is, instead of pretending it’s “nothing”. I welcome any comments or suggestions, as this is something that, while I’ve lived with it for a very long time, I don’t actually know how to and it’s new to me.

Word Vomit

This weekend was long and overwhelming. So many people, so much to do, and it all went by SO fast. My son wanted a Batman birthday party this year. He has a tendency to be “off” season with his birthday choices. For #2 he wanted Curious George, but there wasn’t a lot of stuff. For #3 he *had* to have Harry Potter. There was NOTHING for a three year old. We made it happen though. This year, I thought…Batman will be easy, people love superheroes! Not-so-much. Tons of Spiderman, Transformers, etc. But we had to piece together his party stuff, and we made it happen. I hand-made his invitations (with the help of some awesome friends…I’m so grateful that I have people who help me turn my ideas into stuff), we got all the decorations, and Jess even got a Batman jump house. Originally we were going to serve the kids hot dogs, but then I got the idea to ask D if he’d rather have a “make-your-own-pizza” party. The kids had an AMAZING time with it, and I got the pre-made dough from Trader Joe’s, but it was still a lot of work. I’m going to take this moment and just say that I have the most amazing group of family/friends. I didn’t have to do it all alone, and I am SO grateful. We are so blessed! We have worked hard to cultivate the group of people we have, and even though there is sometimes a touch of drama here and there, our house is always filled with love. Our parties often last all day, and when in doubt, in trouble, or even just hungry, people tend to navigate here. I love it. As much as I was *DONE* (for reasons I am about to explain) by the afternoon, the way we work here, people just stayed and it was low maintainence and good.

So, Sunday morning I got up at 7 a.m. and got a quick shower in. Our surrogate mom and dad, E and G, got here at 8 to feed us breakfast and help with all the decorations. They have no children and have adopted us. We adore them, and they really are like surrogate parents, with no issues/baggage.  I ran over to Trader Joe’s and Jess went with G to the bakery to get the cake. As I was driving, I was going over the guest list again in my head. I realized that Margene wouldn’t be here, and it hit me how…for the last 3 years, all of the planning and preparation I have had her to help me, to run ideas by, and just…here. I got sad and I cried.

I got all the food and stuff at TJ’s and headed home. The house was buzzing! The jump house guy (For anyone local, I have his number…great deal, super professional, and gorgeous jump house!) was here and I was getting calls on my cell left and right. My friends started to arrive and all jumped in to help. Before I knew it, it was 11:30 and the kids started to show up (the ones who were coming just for the party) and it started to get crazy. I was buzzing around the kitchen, getting things ready, planning how to get all the pizzas through the oven and and and and.

Then, there is a knock on the door, I spin around to go open in, and in walks my mother. AND!!! To make it even more fun…my aunt, who I haven’t seen since I was 18. Now, my mother, who lives AN HOUR AWAY, has never met my son. Couldn’t come when he was born. Couldn’t come to any other birthday party, or his baby blessing, or ANYTHING else…but decided to show up when I had 50 people in my house. I am glad I wasn’t holding anything, I would’ve dropped it. And I didn’t even know what to say. I almost asked them to leave, especially when my Aunt said, “Do you want us to go, we can go”. I almost said, “Yes, please leave. You were technically invited, but it was more obligatory at this point”. I decided in that moment, not to be selfish. To let her see her grandson, to see what she has missed. After all, she *did* make the drive over. It was all so awkward and weird and surreal.

She stayed about 2 hours. I stayed away from her for the most part. Not really on purpose, but I had so much to do that I couldn’t exactly go sit with her. She hung out with Jess, and talked to D. She took a lot of pictures and she watched D open his presents. I don’t even really remember her leaving.

When she got to the house, she handed me an envelope and said it was just for me, to be read later. It looked like a letter, and I thought it was. Imagine my surprise when I opened it and pulled out two “email forward-style” letters. Copied. One was about attitude and the other about raising a daughter. I’m not sure if my mother was trying to admit where she and I diverge, or if she is delusional. I hope it’s the former, but I’m not holding my breath. It is so weird to be in this position where I’m not desperate for my mother’s love anymore. I had Margene to show me what “maternal love” looked like. And I have Denise, who shows me what “maternal support” looks like. I am no longer starving for her to love me and support me. And it feels great. I know she loves me as much as she can, and that she and I will always be different. Knowing all of that, I cannot fight the urge to keep my son away from her inconsistent and often harsh ways. It’s like I would never knowingly drop him into a vat of crocodiles.

I don’t know what to do from here. I feel like I should acknowledge her effort, but don’t want to encourage her to do something that was uncomfortable. And, I feel…badly…but he has Grandmas. I don’t know. Jess is of the opinion that since her mom is now gone, D really should have some kind of relationship with mine. But, Denise represents “Grandma” on my side of the family. Margene was like his adoptive Nanny. And now, she swoops in…I want to be grateful, but I’m fearful.

I need to go shower. I work for a few hours today. I’m sick, again…stupid antibiotics. I’m over it! I’m over coughing, over sneezing, wheezing, all of it. I want to be HEALTHY. Well, healthy and pregnant, but I guess that will have to wait.

I appreciate any insight on this…and will answer any questions for clarification. I’m genuinely in a strange spot, and something has got to give. Oh, and I’ll post some pics of the b-day later tonight!

Gearing up for “D’s-day”

Tomorrow is Deylan’s birthday party. I have been planning this for months. Well, me and whole team of my friends. My “baby” is growing up so fast. The other day I was driving home from the doctors office and I was thinking about Jess’s mom. I started thinking about D sitting behind me and how I would handle it if I was going to die. I’m not afraid of death, I have no dear of the act of dying. I *do* have a fear of leaving my son. As I was thinking about it, I just started to cry. I couldn’t help it. The thought of leaving my child scared me. I’ve never really thought about it. Now that it has been harder for us to have a second child, I’m facing the thought that D might be an only child. I’m looking at the pain that Jess and her sisters went through when her mom passed. Then I saw his sadness if I was to die and I was overwhelmed. I’m not usually a morbid-thinking person…this was just a trail my mind went down without my permission. I don’t know what it is…I feel so attached to my boy…my baby. Who is no longer a baby.

I can’t believe that on Wednesday, he will be FOUR! Long gone are the days I can count my child’s age in months. Quickly approaching are “real” school and requests for privacy. I think that I will actually die a little inside the day my son stops wanting “snuggles and buggles”. I love my wife, and when we fell in love, it was like nothing I’d ever been a part of. Even that doesn’t come close to the way I’ve fallen in love with my son. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful family. We have our issues, of course, but I am grateful for the little piece of happiness that we have carved out.

Today we went to Val’s for D’s birthday dinner. I can’t possibly begin to explain how amazing it feels to sit at those tables. The tables my grandmother sat at. The tables my mother and father sat at. I have been going to that restaraunt since I was in utero, since I wasn’t even a thought in my mother’s head. I have shared this with as many people as will go with me. This grungy hamburger diner, where they only take cash, and if you show up at the wrong time, you will wait for upwards of an hour for a table. The waitresses are getting nicer, when I was younger sometimes they were so mean you wouldn’t even tell them if your food was wrong. They don’t have a large menu, and the only thing that has changed there in YEARS is the prices. The first time we took D there, he was absolutely uninterested. He loved hamburgers, but refused to eat one there. It made my heart sad. But now, he loves it, and requested it as his “birthday dinner”! We were late, grumpy, and ready to take out a small fishing village when we arrived. Thankfully, the food didn’t take long and once everyone was eating, the anxiety went away. It actually made me miss my maternal grandmother a little bit.

I have just been informed that Jess wants a Long Board with big, off-road wheels for her birthday. I’m more writing this tidbit here as a reminder for myself than anything.

As I approach this four year milestone, I’m also at a huge crossroads in my life. Being around Camille has reignited some serious stuff. We are so in sync and we’ve always had this dream of owning a salon together. I love doing hair, and she’s is really in to make-up, and we just have a great plan for a salon that people like us would love to go to and we would love to work at. At the same time, I can’t really be going to cosmetology school until next year, and she needs to get the ball rolling sooner. She also has other goals she’s trying to attain, and I’m trying to figure out what exactly my other goals are. I absolutely love photography and feel really called toward being a “real” (i.e.: paid) photographer. I don’t like taking “normal” pictures though, I love to play with size and shape, angles, views. I don’t know how a person like me could really find work as a photographer. All in all, that is my problem. I can see the awesomeness (yup, I typed that) in other people’s dreams. Camille tells me she wants to start a portfolio and the wheels turn…I start to see how it could work and what it could look like. And in more than one way. But for myself…I just can’t see it. I don’t understand it. I feel frozen sometimes. I’ve worked with children for so long (15 years) and while I love it on some levels, I long to do something creative. I would really find a certain level of bliss working with Camille, and yet I feel unsure of how to make it happen. How do I follow my bliss when I don’t even know what it is? I would love to cut hair…but is it “the” thing? Taking pictures makes me feel pure joy. Is it “the” thing? I love being a mother, and while I love taking care of my family, I need hobbies and I need some kind of creative career. I want it, but further more, I need it. How do I go about it? What are my next steps? Can anyone see them for me?

Oh! Here’s my WTF moment of the day: This morning, I saw a small spot on my wrist. A slightly brownish spot that wasn’t raised or anything, but was irregular, and certainly wasn’t there the day before. As my wife has had skin cancer removed, and I used to be a serious (valley girl) sunbather as a teenager, I flipped out a little. I poked it. I scratched at it. I realized it hurt a little. So I kept picking at it. In my head, I’m thinking, “Oh crap, is this some kind of pre-geriatric liver spot? Have I gotten skin cancer? What the hell is this spot?!” After I’ve almost picked it off, I realize that last night, when I forgot my tart-let in the oven, it dripped all over the bottom of the oven. When the oven had cooled, I went to wipe it out and accidentally touched my wrist to the metal shelf in the oven. *doh* Yeah. No liver spots, not skin cancer (B”H), just a tiny burn. I didn’t even have that much sangria last night. Somehow I just completely forgot that it had happened. Yup. I’m AWESOME! :-/

Curiosity

I am a very curious person. I like to know where doors lead, what makes things turn colors, how things work, and how other people live. It is because of my curiosity that I became very addicted to “reality” television. When I was a teenager, The Real World was just coming out. It was fantastic to watch “seven strangers, picked to live in a loft, and find out what happens, when people stop being polite, and start getting real”! I always watched, and learned quite a bit about how people live in other parts of the world (mostly the US, but a couple other places). As time went by, The Real World deteriorated into “The Drunk World” and “The Model/Musician/Actress World”. People have become professional “reality” show stars. It’s sad.

On Twitter, I love that the people I follow are just there, being themselves. In my personal “Twitter Hallway” (thanks to a blog by @leahjones) there are friends, musicians, clergy, straight people, gay people, Jews, Episcopalians, people from many places around the world…and even Perez Hilton. I like to keep up on the interesting tidbits in the entertainment world, so I followed him. My curiosity got the better of me. I know that gossip isn’t cool…and I try to refrain from malicious gossip. This morning, when I opened up my TweetDeck,  Perez had posted “proof” that Adam Lambert was gay. Now, never once did I feel like I needed or wanted “proof” of that poor man’s sexuality. I knew he was gay, and it wasn’t just the eyeliner. But that didn’t stop me from clicking on the link. I was curious. And then, when I saw him holding hands with his boyfriend, and the sheepish smile across his face, I was ashamed of myself.

My curiosity made me feel ill. I have no right to the intimate details of ANYONE else’s life. I am not privy to those details because they do not involve me. One of the things I love about Twitter is that, for the most part, everyone is on an even playing field. The people I follow are awesome, down to earth (mostly) and just real folks. I love the fact that at any given time, I may be passing any of those people and saying a kind word or getting a little inspiration. There are jokes, contests, silly and serious conversations, and even company while watching tv.

I can no longer be as “up on the gossip” as I used to be. Despite my efforts to be a better person, I feel like this area is really holding me back. So, I’m letting it go. Goodbye Perez Hilton. I’d say I wish you continued success, but if it comes at the cost of ruining people’s lives…I can’t.

Trying to write more…

Today, I worked on my day off. No big deal, people do it all the time, but it was a little taxing. More importantly, as I was driving back to take the kids back to their parents, I got rear-ended. I was turning on to their street and this kid didn’t see my turn signal. It wasn’t a bad crash, a little scary though. No damage to my car at all, all people were okay. It ended up okay, and it’s all good, but it scared the sh*t out of the poor kid who did it. He had tears in his eyes and I wanted to hug him. Then I had to run my rent over to the property management group, and I FINALLY got home at 7:30. On my day off. yeah, seriously.

I’ve been really trying to get the rest of yesterday’s post out. And the rest of the party stuff done. And and and and.

I have so much to do and my day is over. I need to go to bed. I can’t wait until the 20th when I take D to the “Creating Jewish Bedtime Rituals” event. I think it will really enrich bedtime with D.

My laptop is on fire. I need someone who is awesome with these things to clean it up and figure out what it’s issue is. I have no friggin’ idea what is important to this machine and what isn’t.

Jess is wearing a Holter monitor. After her palpitations last week, she is seeing a cardiologist and they are having her wear the monitor for 24 hours and write down any symptoms she has. I’m really hoping that this helps with some of the weird symptoms she’s been having. The near black out, the paliptations, the chest pains. I just want her to figure out what is going on. She literally cannot make it through a day without sleeping anymore. And that is *with* her cpap at night. It’s scary, and on top of the other issues, it’s just too much.

On that note: I’m going to bed. I’ll write before work tomorrow.

The *fat* kid.

***This was a wicked old entry, from March, that got lost in the draft section***

Before vacation, I was driving home from work and I saw a baseball team running around a park when I was stopped at a stop light. I immediately flashed back to all those years of playing baseball and softball. Miserable years of being forced to play because my brothers did, and my parents thought it would be “good for me”. *sigh* My parents (well, my bio-mom and step-dad) never really knew me. Anyway, I’m at the stoplight, and my mind goes to the dark side. I see the boys and all I can think is “I don’t want my kid doing that”. Light turns green and I start driving past the boys. I pass the big pack of them and see (for lack of any other way to put it) the “fat kid” running behind, flushed, and my heart just leaps out of my chest toward him. As I start to have a moment, I realize that there are two boys wearing uniforms, running behind the kid. They are cheering him on, running with him, and making sure he finishes the lap. My eyes actually welled with tears. I felt so amazingly proud of those boys. Whether they were the coach’s kids, or just awesome boys, didn’t really matter in that moment. Those boys renewed my faith in children in that moment.

Blog-a-saurus Rex

This may end up being the longest blog I’ve ever posted. I am so ridiculously “full” and right now cannot be arsed to hand-write in my journal so here it will go. I may end up putting this on lock-down, and if I do, I’ll give out the password to those who I want to share with.

I don’t even know where to back up to. Maybe I’ll start with the present instead.

A few minutes ago I logged in to MySpace (which I’ve all but abandoned for Twitter, lol) and read a bulletin from my baby sister. She is 18 now…she’ll be 19 in a few weeks, but she will always be my “baby” sister. She is really going through a hard time with her mom, and I can identify with that all too well. We do not share the same mother, yet we’ve shared personal hell with hers. To know that she is having such a hard time, and to read about it on MySpace…stung. I have lived my life waiting desperately for the day when I could actually have a relationship with my sisters…tonight I reached out for the last time. I wrote Dre an email, and let her know that I’m here if there is any way I can help. I’ve done it before, but…it never amounts to anything. I never even heard back from Amanda after wishing her a Happy Birthday in April. Yeah…close is likely never a word that will describe me and my sisters, and that pains me in ways I can’t even articulate.

I am also trying to really, in my soul, to reconcile with the fact that I may only ever birth one child. I have always wanted to be a mother, and always a mother of more than one child. And yet, I was selfish. When I had Deylan, even though I’d had a really hard time with Jess, I felt so complete and so whole. And not in that “I had a baby to have someone to love me” way…I’ve wanted to be a mother since I could remember. I have very few childhood memories, and yet one of the first memories I have is of holding a doll like it was a real baby. I was so blessed and so in love with my son, I didn’t want to have another baby too soon. The days and years go by so fast and I didn’t want to share. Now I’m wondering if I waited too long. We’ve been trying for over a year now, and nothing. Nothing at all. I don’t want to go the medical route. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars to “maybe” have a baby. I would rather give up while I’m ahead, and count the blessing I already have. But I am filled with a profound sadness. I am so grateful for Deylan…he is amazing and blissful and I couldn’t ask for more. Yet he’s lonely, and he wants a sibling. He longs for a baby, and it pains me to feel like I cannot give it to him. I know that I need to be grateful and I am. And, honestly, if I only ever have D, I will know that I was given the most amazing responsibility I could ever have, being Deylan’s mama.

I have been in a unique position lately. One doesn’t usually get the chance to reconnect with their best friends. Over the past few years, I’ve reconnected with both my high school best friend and my post-high school best friend. I have the most amazing set of people in my life, and I finally have the missing piece now that Camille and I are in each others lives again. I’m glad we took the time apart that we did…although it was super painful. Each time we revisit the past, we seem to be able to heal another small piece of it, and it is good. There is a peace that I am loving now that I am 30. So much less pressure and so much more self-acceptance.

I have so much more to write, and yet I’m watching Underworld and now I’m kinda sucked in. I’ll let it go here for now and maybe edit later or just post another one.

:::shakes head::: Really?!

I was prepared to blog about some other stuff going on in my life, but I just had a really weird experience, and feel like I need to vent about that first.

I was kneeling down in my closet getting some pajamas to change in to. My wife was sitting on our bed, and our son was running around being silly. She whispered to him, “Go push Mama over” and I immediately said, “No”…not wanting to fall on my arse in our closet. She then said, “You know, like cow tipping”. I responded, “Listen to what you just said, are you serious?!” She repeated it out loud, and then fell over on the bed in hysterics. Failing to see the humor, I got up and left the room. She tried to fight her way into the bathroom (*still laughing*) and I told her with a straight face that if it wasn’t bad enough that I am already sensitive about the weight I gained (and consequently didn’t lose) from my pregnancy (Oh yes, 4 years ago), she had to go and say THAT? And she back-peddled and said, “You know, how you’re from Tracy, I just thought, haha…cow tipping”. WTH??? Yes, I grew up in the Central Valley. In all my life I have NEVER ONCE been “cow tipping”. I have been to parties thrown in corn fields, but I’ve also been to parties in Sonoma at a farm called the Space Pharm, so…that really isn’t indicative of much.

I’m not an insecure person. I know my wife loves me. I also know I’m good looking, and a great catch. No part of me feels like she purposely was being hurtful, and yet I feel like she really needs to understand that sometimes, when you say something, you really should think about what you are saying. Am I so wrong in that? I’m not going to hold it against her, I just told her I needed to take some time to process it and be okay.

In other news, I have been really really sick. I don’t know what the hell happened to me. I rarely get sick, and if I do, it’s usually something I pick up from one of the kids. This time, I am the only one who got sick, which leads me to believe it was something released by the acupuncture.  I’m still coughing and losing my voice from the coughing. (YAY!…not)

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it on here, but I have a new job. I’m watching a 19 month old little girl on Thursdays, in addition to the 2 I regularly watch and my son. It works out really well, or at least I should say I thought it would work out really well, because that is our play-date day with my mom friends. So I take the fearsome foursome over to the play-date today, everyone had a great time, and it was awesome. There was some stuff that came up over the little boy I regularly watch getting upset because the new, younger girl was sleeping in his pack-n-play, but that got resolved and it was smooth sailing after that. Then, her father came to pick her up and the interview started. Now, don’t get me wrong…her parents have EVERY right to know about where she was, who she was around, and what she did. I have nothing to hide, and am not upset about them wanting to make sure there daughter is well cared for and safe. I did get a little upset when, as the questions kept coming, I realized that these people never interviewed me or asked me any questions other than if I would watch their daughter and what I would charge. I assumed, as they are neighbors of the family I work for, that they knew a little of my background. Who I am, how long I’ve worked with kids, etc. I also assumed that since they placed their daughter in my care, they trusted me to care for her, and make decisions as I would for my own child (as that is largely how I care for children, like they were my own). We’ll see if I even keep the job after this afternoon, it was an uncomfortable weirdness, and while they are really nice people…I’m just not sure it’s a great fit. I’m going to give it a few more tries though, because she is really a very sweet little girl and I’m chalking it up to us (adults) just not knowing each other very well yet.

Completely shifting gears again, since I refuse to travel during holiday weekends, we are going to have a “bring your own picnic” with friends and family at Vasona this weekend. I love that park, and I really really really hope that it isn’t crazy busy Sunday. There is a little train, a carosel, some ducks, several playgrounds, and even a pond. I think it’ll stand to be a good time.

I am excited that Shabbat is tomorrow. Although we aren’t hosting a big dinner (as has become habit and will definitely stay a habit) it makes me happy that D is starting to ask which day is Shabbat, and to be excited about it. It makes me so happy and proud to see him invested in the ritual and the prayers.I just need to find some kind of wheat free or gluten free challah recipe, and we’ll be all set. For now, I’m just limiting myself to small pieces, and only on Shabbat.

On that note, I should go find myself something to snack on since it’s almost 9 p.m. and it’s WAY past dinner time.

I guess you can only *really* be 20 once :-/

I went out last night, to see one of my favorite (local) bands. They have gone through some line up changes through the years, and it had easy been 5 years since I’ve seen them live. I have been aching for a good hXc show lately, as it’s been far too long and I really needed the release. I missed the last show, so after much internet research, I found one that was last night. Well…there were a few small “issues” with last nights show before I even got there.

1) This was Jess’s first Mother’s Day without her mom and that was really hard.

2) The show was an “all ages” show…which means kids. On my “kid-free” time. Which is really, really effing rare.

3) Said show was also at a junior/community college, which means college kids.

Now, I know that may sound judgmental, and I don’t mean to be. I love kids. I love MY kid. I love the kids I watch, and I certainly don’t have any issues with having children around me. I also have no issues with children being exposed to various kinds of music. However, hXc is notorious for being a foul-mouthed scene, and small children being around screaming expletives is another thing entirely. I wasn’t there to be hanging out with kids. I was worried enough that at 30 I was going to feel over-aged with the college kids. The “under 10″ set really threw me for a loop.

I ran in to a few people I used to know, which was both cool, and really effing weird. I think of myself as the same person, only having changed mildly. And then I see people I haven’t seen in 10 years and go, “Wow…uhm…yeah”.

I watched the band before them play, and while I appreciate their passion, it wasn’t really my cuppa (tea). Said “Hi” to Mark before the show, which was kind of nice. They came out on the stage and I was ready. Checked the set list and realized I only really knew 2 of the songs they planned to play. :-/ When they started to play, a small pit opened up and I stood on the side, braced and ready. For what? I stood there and nothing really happened so I moved away. The sound was weird and tinny. The energy of the new line-up was…so different. I tried my hardest to really engage and rock out, and for one song I really got into it, but even still, the experience came up so short for me. I know it was a laundry list of reasons that made it that way, and I understand some of them, but I guess it’s just really different now.

We ended up going to a bar (which, let me tell you, was WAY more amusing than I ever thought it could be) and getting some “happy hour” food. Then we went to a pub/club where they have a DJ and danced a bit. (Sidenote: Dancing in a strapless bra is NOT good) We got attacked by these cougars with “refreshers” (mini-face lifts) sloshing their wine as they begged us to come dance with them. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I was at home, in bed, by 1:30 a.m. It felt oddly good, like that was where I really *should* be. I had a great time…but I could have a great time with Camille in the middle of an old warehouse. Which leads me to my next subject…

Shabbat this week was so amazing and awesome!! In my quest for more observance I had been trying to detach from the electronic world and really spend Shabbat focused on my family, not just going through the motions of candle lighting and prayers. I missed 2 weeks due to plans (yes…I actually made plans for Shabbat and then *felt* it afterward. I never felt guilty, just *off*) and made sure that come Friday night there would be challah, friends and family, food, and wine. We cooked (soy-vey salmon on the bbq…if you haven’t had it, you need to!) and opened some wine. The kids played, D and I lit candles and said our prayers, and the night was absolutely blissful. The children didn’t argue or bicker, no one got hurt, and we broke off into different groups of conversations throughout the night that were seamless and organic. When everyone left (nearing 11:30 p.m. when Tesha and Bri went home) I was cuddled in bed with D reading a book. I can’t begin to tell you what it did for my heart, my soul, my brain…it was awesome. I left my phone and iPod off the next morning (I’m not there yet…I’m working at it) and had an awesome morning with my family. Complete with my son scarfing down the leftover challah. Speaking of challah, if anyone has a really good recipe that will make just one family worth of challah (2 loaves max) please share. Even better if you know of a wheat-free challah recipe.

*sigh* Somewhere along the way I’ve grown up. And, truth be told, I’m incredibly happy with where my life is now and who I’ve become. I just feel like I’ve grown “out” of that scene. Maybe it’s for the best? I’ll always love the music, but I’m not that same little girl anymore. What does grown up hXc look like? Is there a scene for the not-young-kids, not-over-the-hill set?!

Non-tagged

50 Things nobody ever asks…
1. What color is your toothbrush?
I have 2. One is purple, the other is sort of teal-ish blue.

2. Name one person who made you smile today:
Listening to D and Jess play Wii made me smile, even through my hangover/headache.

3. What were you doing at 8:00am today?
Laying in bed, wishing I was asleep and it wasn’t so damn bright, but also listening to Jess and D play Wii and smiling because it was so damn cute.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
Playing Wii bowling because D couldn’t quite get the hang of it.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?
Maybe a Twix caramel? I’m not really sure. I don’t have a “favorite”.

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes, and really…I could go the rest of my life without going back.

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?
Should I just go to Target by myself?

8. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Baskin Robbins World Class Chocolate. Hands down, it makes me happy. (And kinda sick, but they could never replicate that flavor w/ soy. Ever.)

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Coffee w/ soy milk and sugar free vanilla syrup.

10. Do you like your wallet?
No. It was a hand-me-sideways from my sister-in-law.

11. What was the last thing you ate?
Vanilla yogurt. I’m starving.

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
I grabbed some t-shirts @ the shoe store, but they are too big.

13. The last sporting event you watched?
Does Wii sports count?

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
Kettle corn is the only popcorn I will eat.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?
Taffy, she offered me a massage, but I couldn’t get there.

16. Ever go camping?
Yeah, and I kvetch. A lot. But I usually have fun.

17. Do you take vitamins daily?
I was, but I was ODing on vitamin B and stopped.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?
No, I’ve been going to Hebrew classes on Sundays.

19. Do you have a tan?
I have a “mom-who-has-been-at-the-park-a-lot” tan, much like a farmer’s tan.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

Usually. But it depends on where it’s from.

21. Do you drink your POP with a straw?
I don’t drink SODA.

22. What did your last text message say?

Something about letting Taffy know asap whether I could make it to the spa for a massage.

23. What are you doing tomorrow?
Hebrew class (see above), and then some random stuff.

24. What sounds are you listening to now?
Jess and D playing Batman and Joker, and John singing to himself in the kitchen.

25. Look to your left, what do you see?
The slider that leads to the backyard.

26. What color is your watch?
I don’t even own one.

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia?
The Crocodile Hunter and kangaroos.

28. What is your birthstone?
I’m a cusp baby.

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
I try my hardest not to eat fast food. But if there is a drive-thru Starbucks…forgetaboutit, my lazy arse is driving on thru!

31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone?
Camille.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
In the bed, there are 4. I only use 1.

32. Any plans today?
Gotta get a present for Lolo, his bday party is in…3.5 hours. I’m a f*cking slacker.

33. How many states have you lived in?
One.

34. Biggest annoyance right now?
I’m really hungry, and don’t want anything to eat.

35. Last song listened to?
I was drunk, I have no idea.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
I can. I practiced when I was younger because I heard it was part of the DUI test. Yes, I was stupid, but hey, I can do it!

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?
Honestly, no. If I had to have someone clean my house I would feel like a monumental failure. I’m weird.

38. Favorite pair of shoes you like to wear all the time?
Adidas shelltoes with brown stripes and tan soles.

39. Are you jealous of anyone?
Jealous? Not-so-much.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?
If they are, I wish they wouldn’t be, but I can’t control them…if they exist. Wow…slight tangent…sorry.

41. Do you love anyone?
I love lots of people.

42. Do any of your friends have children?
Some. I’d say we have a decent split of friends. Almost all my “nearest and dearest” do though.

43. What do you usually do during the day?
Work, either at my job or at home. Occasionally I’ll be really lazy all day and sit on the interwebs.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
Hate? No. Dislike, absolutely.

45. Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily?
Not in the traditional way. Usually when I’m being a smart ass. Quite like one would use the word “Duh”.

46. What color are your favorite shoes?
See above.

47. Do you like cats?
Not really, I mean…I do, but I’m kinda allergic so I’m not a huge fan.

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?

Yes. I’m wondering what Monique is up to, since she’s the one I got this ridiculously long survey thing from.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes. Pointless question. Did a 12 year old write this?

50. How did you get your worst scar?
C-section, and I’d do it again any or every day if the results would be the same.