My spirituality is hard to explain. I believe in God…I believe, as Jami Lula sings, “There is no where that God is not”.
I believe that there is a plan, and yet I believe that our choices help shape the plan. I believe that ever situation is in flux…as though part of it is predestined and part of it is choice.
My faith in God is shaky sometimes, but not because I fail to believe, more because I am often met with people who tell me I’m wrong. I have often searched for a spiritual community, but it’s hard to find a place that truly matches how I feel.
Presently, we are trying to have another baby. For about 2 and 1/2 years, I said very specifically that I did not want to get pregnant until after D turned 3. I was adamant and stubborn. I said specifically that I did not want it. Until I changed my mind. Something came over me last December, and I decided I was ready. Unfortunately it coincided w/ my mother-in-law being diagnosed w/ cancer, so trying to conceive had to wait a few months.
We started trying in March. We’ve only actually had 2 good runs, and our ob-gyn said that it can take up to 6 months or more before we’ll see any results because getting pregnant the second time is typically more challenging, especially if it was ridiculously easy the first time (and it was). This cycle, I was 2 full days late. I am not ever late, and I was SO excited. Jess was climbing the walls, she was so happy.
I played it off at first, but by today, when I woke up and there was still no evidence of Aunt Flo’s monthly visit, I was getting almost giddy. I even went and bought another package of pregnancy tests.
I came home, and then…I saw it. That slight pink tinge. I know it’s coming. I am absolutely not pregnant. *sigh*
Now, I am not really sure why I’m disappointed. In reality, I had already set a plan in to motion, and who am I to ask that it be changed? I said for 28 months that I would not be ready until D was 3, and then, all of the sudden I went and changed my mind. Maybe the next baby’s soul isn’t ready yet? And here I am…getting pissy that I’m not pregnant. (I should state here that I believe in reincarnation, and also believe that God allows souls to choose who they go to…maybe I haven’t been chosen yet?)
I don’t know…the reality of the situation is that I am not pregnant yet, and I know that I will be at some point. I know that there is a little boy soul…I feel it. I’ve heard it in my dreams. And I know that when it’s right, he’ll come. I feel strongly that there is a girl soul too…and she’ll come someday too.
I don’t live my life according to God’s plan…I often fight for autonomy. Yet, whether I concede or not, it is. Trees grow despite our vicious pillaging of the earth. Babies thrive in the worst conditions. That is all a part of God’s plan, and if I could learn to relax in to it…I think somehow I’d be better. I’ve been taught that God’s plan is something “other” than my own divine nature, and so I fight. The plan is there, and I’ve set it in to motion. I asked, and I shall receive…I just have to relax and let myself.
