I tend to get emotionally constipated. I was working some of that out here, and then before I knew it, the stress level in our house mounted to unimaginable proportions and I stopped writing. Not just blogging, but writing at all. Actually, I stopped doing a lot of things. I’ve realized that because I’m not utilizing any outlets, I’m coming close to boiling over, which is not what I want.
So, here I sit.
Let’s see…it’s been quite a while. Not that I have a “loyal readership” or anything.
The wedding…was a huge cluster-f*ck, but really did change some things for me. I learned a lot about myself, and piece of paper or not, it has changed my relationship with Jess. I realize now that it was also a colossal waste of money, but that when the pictures come in I’ll be happy to see the moment in time that was our wedding. Plus, it’s official now…which makes me HAPPY!
I still haven’t told T all the things I want to. There never is a good/right time. I should probably just email him because with our schedules, it’s almost impossible to connect. *sigh* That’s lame. I should call him more often. I’m just afraid to. There was this moment, when we were at the rehearsal, and I saw the cake had been smashed at the top. All I could really do was cry…and walk away. He held me, and just stood there. I pulled away, and looked at him…I wanted him to fix it. He wanted to badly to say something, but didn’t really know what to say. It was a sweet moment…and I wanted to tell him, “It’s okay…there is no real fix, but you being here right in this moment is enough.” It’s really funny, because for all the “I’ve never had kids of my own” he says, he’s actually a really good dad. And he’s an awesome grampa. *sigh*
I still haven’t gone and changed my name…damn holidays.
We have no new word on the house. Oh wait, actually we do! We bid on a house that was co-owned by 2 banks (thank you to the “jumbo loan”) and one bank has approved our offer! Which means diddly squat until the other bank approves our offer too, but hey, we’re half way there!!
I have some friends who are really going through it right now, and it really REALLY puts my “ish” into perspective. I have a theory that no one can ever have a harder time than you, because only you know the depth/extent of your problems, and while we can always empathize, we cannot actually walk a mile in anyone’s shoes. Even those of us who have had the same experiences have experienced them differently. Having said all of that…my heart is scattered around the country right now with some of my “nearest and dearest”.
I’m so not tired, but have made a commitment to myself to go to sleep at 10 pm and wake up no later than 6:15 am. So in the next hour and five minutes I need to get tired. I’ve been sleeping until 9 the last 3 days…tomorrow will be a bit of “morning shock”. But, I already packed D’s bag, all I need to do now is set up the coffee maker, and pack some food for tomorrow.
And, for some reason, all I really feel like doing is sighing heavily.
