Well, apparently I’m sitting in some sort of pre-Hell waiting ground, and have been for some time now.
My MIL’s health is declining very seriously, yet at the same time, she wants to travel. She wants to sip a coconut on the beach and play with the kids in Disneyland. The two major issues with these plans are a) She cannot walk or perform any functions by herself and b) we aren’t blessed with the infinite funds to accompany her on these trips. She requires round the clock care, and has gotten progressively angry at the world…all of this has put more stress on J than I can possibly explain. And, the extra stress on J has trickled down. (Now if only the Republicans trickle down effect was this quick!) We have been fighting, I’m getting resentful and agitated, and honestly…I don’t know how much more of this I/We can take. I don’t know what to do, what to say, or how to behave. If I assert myself at all I stand accused of not having any compassion. Cancer is hell. I wish I could just say no. I wish that G-d had a personal line, and I could just call, and be like…”Dood, I’ve done this already…can we not go down this road again?”
Alas, I do not have any such resource.
So, here I sit. Overwhelmed, under-supported, and tired. I am so tired. I’m so damn tired that I’m tired of being tired. I don’t know what to do, what to say, or how to be. All I really know for sure is that we don’t have an extra $1500 sitting around to jet off to Hawaii or to fly to SoCal and hit up Disneyland.
I have about 6,000 more things to say, but I’m not going to write anymore right now, as D just fell asleep next to me and my niece is sitting on the other side of the bed. That much emotion can be felt…and I don’t care to share.
