Word Vomit

This weekend was long and overwhelming. So many people, so much to do, and it all went by SO fast. My son wanted a Batman birthday party this year. He has a tendency to be “off” season with his birthday choices. For #2 he wanted Curious George, but there wasn’t a lot of stuff. For #3 he *had* to have Harry Potter. There was NOTHING for a three year old. We made it happen though. This year, I thought…Batman will be easy, people love superheroes! Not-so-much. Tons of Spiderman, Transformers, etc. But we had to piece together his party stuff, and we made it happen. I hand-made his invitations (with the help of some awesome friends…I’m so grateful that I have people who help me turn my ideas into stuff), we got all the decorations, and Jess even got a Batman jump house. Originally we were going to serve the kids hot dogs, but then I got the idea to ask D if he’d rather have a “make-your-own-pizza” party. The kids had an AMAZING time with it, and I got the pre-made dough from Trader Joe’s, but it was still a lot of work. I’m going to take this moment and just say that I have the most amazing group of family/friends. I didn’t have to do it all alone, and I am SO grateful. We are so blessed! We have worked hard to cultivate the group of people we have, and even though there is sometimes a touch of drama here and there, our house is always filled with love. Our parties often last all day, and when in doubt, in trouble, or even just hungry, people tend to navigate here. I love it. As much as I was *DONE* (for reasons I am about to explain) by the afternoon, the way we work here, people just stayed and it was low maintainence and good.

So, Sunday morning I got up at 7 a.m. and got a quick shower in. Our surrogate mom and dad, E and G, got here at 8 to feed us breakfast and help with all the decorations. They have no children and have adopted us. We adore them, and they really are like surrogate parents, with no issues/baggage.  I ran over to Trader Joe’s and Jess went with G to the bakery to get the cake. As I was driving, I was going over the guest list again in my head. I realized that Margene wouldn’t be here, and it hit me how…for the last 3 years, all of the planning and preparation I have had her to help me, to run ideas by, and just…here. I got sad and I cried.

I got all the food and stuff at TJ’s and headed home. The house was buzzing! The jump house guy (For anyone local, I have his number…great deal, super professional, and gorgeous jump house!) was here and I was getting calls on my cell left and right. My friends started to arrive and all jumped in to help. Before I knew it, it was 11:30 and the kids started to show up (the ones who were coming just for the party) and it started to get crazy. I was buzzing around the kitchen, getting things ready, planning how to get all the pizzas through the oven and and and and.

Then, there is a knock on the door, I spin around to go open in, and in walks my mother. AND!!! To make it even more fun…my aunt, who I haven’t seen since I was 18. Now, my mother, who lives AN HOUR AWAY, has never met my son. Couldn’t come when he was born. Couldn’t come to any other birthday party, or his baby blessing, or ANYTHING else…but decided to show up when I had 50 people in my house. I am glad I wasn’t holding anything, I would’ve dropped it. And I didn’t even know what to say. I almost asked them to leave, especially when my Aunt said, “Do you want us to go, we can go”. I almost said, “Yes, please leave. You were technically invited, but it was more obligatory at this point”. I decided in that moment, not to be selfish. To let her see her grandson, to see what she has missed. After all, she *did* make the drive over. It was all so awkward and weird and surreal.

She stayed about 2 hours. I stayed away from her for the most part. Not really on purpose, but I had so much to do that I couldn’t exactly go sit with her. She hung out with Jess, and talked to D. She took a lot of pictures and she watched D open his presents. I don’t even really remember her leaving.

When she got to the house, she handed me an envelope and said it was just for me, to be read later. It looked like a letter, and I thought it was. Imagine my surprise when I opened it and pulled out two “email forward-style” letters. Copied. One was about attitude and the other about raising a daughter. I’m not sure if my mother was trying to admit where she and I diverge, or if she is delusional. I hope it’s the former, but I’m not holding my breath. It is so weird to be in this position where I’m not desperate for my mother’s love anymore. I had Margene to show me what “maternal love” looked like. And I have Denise, who shows me what “maternal support” looks like. I am no longer starving for her to love me and support me. And it feels great. I know she loves me as much as she can, and that she and I will always be different. Knowing all of that, I cannot fight the urge to keep my son away from her inconsistent and often harsh ways. It’s like I would never knowingly drop him into a vat of crocodiles.

I don’t know what to do from here. I feel like I should acknowledge her effort, but don’t want to encourage her to do something that was uncomfortable. And, I feel…badly…but he has Grandmas. I don’t know. Jess is of the opinion that since her mom is now gone, D really should have some kind of relationship with mine. But, Denise represents “Grandma” on my side of the family. Margene was like his adoptive Nanny. And now, she swoops in…I want to be grateful, but I’m fearful.

I need to go shower. I work for a few hours today. I’m sick, again…stupid antibiotics. I’m over it! I’m over coughing, over sneezing, wheezing, all of it. I want to be HEALTHY. Well, healthy and pregnant, but I guess that will have to wait.

I appreciate any insight on this…and will answer any questions for clarification. I’m genuinely in a strange spot, and something has got to give. Oh, and I’ll post some pics of the b-day later tonight!