As a distraction, I went out to dinner w/ a friend. We had sushi, and it was…okay. I talked to my aunt on the way out there, and that was cool. I had my usual, spicy tuna roll and Philly roll. We chatted, he is non-monogamous and we talked a lot about the theory vs. practice of open relationships.
Afterward I got in my car and instantly burst in to tears. The good news? I figured out that those old feelings I’ve been harboring have more to do with feeling safe than being in love. That is awesome to know. The bad news? I realized that the in-love I feel with John is seven shades of amazing. The buzz of chemistry when we’re together is intense. The pain of that missing is worse than I thought. What kills me is that I can see inside him. I can feel the duality. It’s like there are two people, and it sucks. I am totally suffering here. I’m sure he is too. I keep crying and wanting this fixed. I want him back. I want him to get it, to see it. I want him to think I’m worth it. Worth looking at the deepest places of his beliefs and really sit with someone who is G-d centered, someone who is Christian who can give him counsel. If at the end of that, he still feels convicted, and still needs to stand behind the SDA doctrines, then okay. I just want him to see if he could possibly see things from an alternative view…but still a Christian view.
Ugh. I am being stupid. I am being such a chick. And I have no idea how to make it stop.
Really, I feel like someone took my heart and sliced it up. No, not just someone. Like John did. Well. Maybe more like the SDA doctrines did. I knew that this would be a problem. And I knew it from jump. And that is why the SDA doctrines say that they are supposed to only marry other SDAs. But of course, to make my life more fun and exciting, I had to fall in love with one. One who I have amazing chemistry with. One who wants to have children and thinks I’m amazing.
Oh yeah.
Want some wasabi with that?
