I heard someone say that on t.v. yesterday and thought it was hysterical. I’ll be adopting it along with “jackhole”. I’m a huge fan of cussing without cussing.
Right now, I should be cleaning my house. I have the time, and it certainly needs it. But I’m sitting here blogging. I have found that getting this stuff out of my head has been helping immensely, so I’m going to keep doing it.
Yesterday, while I was driving to the grocery store, I drove past one of John’s “when I’m not actively working” hangouts. And there he was. Sitting in his truck. Four months I’ve driven past that spot and never once have I seen him. o.O
I went to the store, did my shopping, and on my way home I saw him again. But this time, instead of feeling pulled to go see him, I prayed. Instead of wanting to talk to him, I talked to G-d. And in that, I realized that getting right in my head would get me right in my heart. I don’t want G-d to put us back together. I want G-d to do what He has planned. I don’t want John to comfort me unless we’re “there”. So my prayer is this: G-d, if you intended for John and I to be together, then please intervene in our lives and our thoughts, and make the shifts we both need to see eye to eye. If you don’t, then may we both draw closer to you and find comfort in you and in our friends who love us and want the best for us. May we both feel loved and supported during this process, and go on to fulfill our lives.
Now, obviously, I would absolutely love it if some of his friends smacked him upside his head and told him he was effing up. But that is just me being human. I am blessed with amazing friends who have helped me through every step of this relationship. Every part of the process, from the very beginning when I met him and called Shelly. Down to right this very moment, where I know that I could call any of my friends to talk to if I needed. I have amazing friends. I really, really hope that he takes this time to come out of his “I can do it all alone” shell and lean on his friends. He will be better off for it, and I know that he’ll be happier when he can learn to be there with and for his friends without thinking he has to be the one who is “counselor” all the time.
John really is a great guy inside. He has a lot of qualities that will make him a great catch for the right woman. That woman should be prepared to be SDA. Or be SDA already. Ugh. He said once he wished we ‘d met 10 years ago. I said I wouldn’t have liked him 10 years ago. In the last three days I have thought deeply about that statement. I wish I had met him 10 years ago. Our lives could have been totally different. But we didn’t and they aren’t. I cannot change my life, nor would I want to. I am who I am, the woman he claimed to be in love with, the woman who has been through all of my experiences. I wouldn’t be me if I hadn’t spent the last 8+ years with Jessica. He wouldn’t see the me he claims to love if I hadn’t been through my whole life.
I think that has been the hardest part of all of this. That he said he loves me, and yet he can’t possibly love all of me.
I feel so much better right now than I have in the past 48 hours. I haven’t cried at all today. Yet.
Now if I can just get through the rest of my day without seeing him. I don’t think that is humanly possible, but here’s to hoping!!
