Dear Mr. Too Early,
The moment I saw you I knew you were different. Our eyes met and I was instantly calm. When we talked, I felt a connection that I couldn’t explain. I was comfortable with you, but not “old sweatpants” comfortable…there was electricity too. Now I’ll admit that the Bible verse scared me, but it was also so appropriate that I couldn’t shake it off. And try as I might, I kept “looking” for you in others. I wanted the more that I had felt with you. I took the chance once and sent you a text, which you responded to by basically inviting yourself to my house. I felt like that was too much and politely declined. Another month went by and I was still thinking about you, so I sent you another text. This time we ended up hanging out, and it was awesome. There was obviously the religious stuff, but we had such amazing chemistry and our conversation was so easy, I thought that we could date and see where this could go.
Every date we spoke more, and in between we sent texts. On our third date you told me you could see serious potential in our relationship, that I had “substance” and that you wanted to pursue more with me. I was a smitten kitten. When you said you’d be somewhere, you’d show up. If you said you’d call, you called. We went to the beach all the time, did lots of fun things, and generally had a great time together. Per your religious beliefs, we took things slow, and at first that was a real challenge for me, but as we got to know each other I felt better and better about it. I introduced you to my friends, and showed you the “real” me…who I am in my life, in context to the world, not just isolated with you. Honestly, I wish you would have done the same thing. I feel like that would have shown us both more about our compatibility in the real world.
As our relationship wound up, I pushed past some very telling things. I saw so much good in you and I kept wanting to see more of it. In the end, I realized I was doing the same thing to you that you were doing to me. You were waiting for me to change, and I was waiting for you to too. I desperately wanted you to open your eyes, and you wanted me to accept Adventist doctrines. So we were at an impasse. I didn’t want to be at an impasse…but the night we broke up, I had to stand up for me. I had to stand up for myself, and for my son.
The hard part wasn’t that night, we both knew what had to be done. The hardest part is now. I know that the chemistry we had was real, and that the you who isn’t bogged down in the SDA doctrines is still young, and still has stuff to work through, but is amazing. Unfortunately, Shelly was right, and this isn’t as much not meant to be as it is a timing issue. You are far too early for where I’d need you to be, and I am far too late for anything you’d want me to subscribe to blindly. We are compatibly incompatible. Or maybe incompatibly compatible? This is killing me. The twinge of missing you. I miss your smell, the electricity between us, and more than anything I miss the feeling of being the only one. I’d never, ever felt like that. I’ve been in love, I’ve been loved, and even in all of that I’ve never felt the fiery purity that I felt with you. It was hard to break. It is hard to break.
I miss your calls. Your texts. Your hugs. Your kisses. The softest, strongest hugs. I do not miss how you would cut me off mid-sentence. Or how, for no reason, you would shut down and stop talking. Sometimes for days at a time. I don’t miss your inflexibility, or how you passive-aggressively pushed your agenda on me, by using my own fears/doubts. I genuinely pray that you grow, and that as you grow you learn to think for yourself. Whether that ever leads you away from the SDAs is inconsequential really. I just want you to grow in to the man I see in you someday. If you could get away from the -isms and get past your fears, to truly, TRULY live in love…I can’t even imagine how amazing you’d be then. I hope that who ever she is, the woman you do end up marrying, that she can see the man who I saw. I also hope you stop calling. I hate saying that. I really, really do. I want to hear your voice, but honestly it’s like a weird band-aid that doesn’t actually work. I can keep myself from you…I only struggle when you come to me. But in time, I’ll get stronger.
I wish you hadn’t been a chameleon. I wish you would have been honest. I can exist with someone and have a different belief system as them. I can agree to disagree, and can be open-minded and have an open heart. Right now, you cannot. And when you tried to be, you found yourself in a f*cked up spot. You aren’t a bad person, but you have bad habits, and a very limiting belief system. Don’t get me wrong, I honor your path, I just wish I hadn’t stumbled down it with you, because this f*cking hurts. I fell in love with someone who both exists and doesn’t exist all at once. And now my heart hurts, and I’m quite sure yours does too. The next woman…be honest with yourself and be honest with her. You deserve it, and she deserves not to be hurt. Be honest. Be yourself. You really, really are worth someone loving you. All the love you have to give, all the love you want to share, you are worth having it too…but only once you realize it. The mistakes you made here, mistaking my kindness for weakness and not loving yourself so no one can ever truly love you, those are fixable in time…if you put in the work. And I’ll fix my sh!t too. I’ll stop making excuses for people, and stand up for myself. All the time. I will be the me you saw, and you will grow in to the you that I saw. Sadly, that will never make for an us, but we’ll both be better off for it.
Ah…the bitter irony…
