Dear Mr. Too Late,
I’m pretty sure that I fell in love with you the first time I saw you and that I fall in love with you over and over, every time I see you again. There is something magical in your eyes, and a safety in your arms that is unparalleled. There isn’t a burning-out-of-control fire, but a smoldering flame that I cannot seem to put out.
I will readily admit to having been an absolute jackhole when we were younger. I was a ball of emotions that I could not control, and I had been really, really hurt by Mr. Extra Sensitive Roadie just before meeting you. I was basically raging out of control, and that affected “us”. At the same time, you were trying to figure out your own way, and we were screwing up big time. I will never forget driving beside you, listening to music…or being at the Incubus concert, with you holding me and singing in my ear.
I know that I hurt you, but I wish that I hadn’t. I know that my rage bubbled over and I treated you in ways that were wholly unacceptable. I know that instead of talking things out, I bolted…and that was so wrong. I didn’t even know how to tell you what I was feeling, and I was so afraid that you would hurt me the way that he had, that I ran before you could. I was emotionally stunted and immature. Oh how it stings to write that, but it is true. I was. I didn’t even know how to break it off because I didn’t want to, so instead I just stopped talking to you. And you moved, and I moved, and and and.
Years later, after I got married, we reconnected and I went bananas. I had always carried a place for you in my heart, and I really felt like it was a chance to see whether that was real or not. Well, it was awkward, and you were far away, and well…I was married. You moved back and I split up, and then there was that night. *sigh* I regret that night so much, but not for the reasons you might think. I was so afraid of seeing Mr. Extra Sensitive Roadie that night, that I started drinking before I even left the house, and then kept drinking at the club. After I talked to him, I was so damn flustered that I drank…more. And then you were there behind me, and we were rocking out, and it all felt so right. Instead of the wrong and the angst and the awkward, it felt right. It wasn’t the alcohol that made it right either, but it was the alcohol that pushed me to be honest.
Sadly, in my being honest, I was met with your desire to right the wrongs of the past. When you told me that you went home with me that night because you “felt you owed me one”, I was crushed. Despite understanding where you were coming from, that was a painful feeling. Especially since the way it all went down was so less-than-desirable. We sort of tried to date afterward and I was excited, but then you disappeared and I was beyond confused. A couple of months (almost to the day, which I found bizarre) later you started texting again, and this time it was very aggressive (for you). I didn’t know what to make of it, but I rolled with it, and when we talked it through and you explained, I thought that it was definitely understandable. When we were sitting in my van and you told me that you had done a lot of thinking, and you’d realized that you knew what you wanted, and that what you wanted was me, it was all I could do to just sit there. I was pretty stoked. Instead of saying “YAY!!” I just chuckled and sort of sat there. Until we talked recently, I thought that was why you’d disappeared again. I thought you had interpreted that as disinterest.
I never meant to emasculate you. Truthfully, I thought I was doing something nice by paying for the fro-yo that day since you didn’t have a lot of money and it was only $6. I never thought that it was an indicator of anything more than me trying to be considerate. I may never understand why that bugged you so much, and I’ve accepted that. Your feelings are valid, and I get that it was a serious sticking point for you. This year, you did to me what I did to you so many years ago…twice…and now I get it. I understand the hole that it leaves and the way that it feels. I also get that for you, it was no real big deal, and that’s cool too. We’ve discussed it since. Before being able to commit myself to Mr. Too Early, I had a talk with you to be sure that we had no chance. I would have been horribly upset if I’d lost a chance with you, and you assured me such was not the case. You told me you felt like we were “forcing it”, and that you didn’t feel like that for me anymore.
At first, those words hurt really badly. Now, I so understand. We were forcing it. We were trying to be together as the people who had been together years ago. But we aren’t those people anymore. We are different people who have grown and changed, but in my heart, we are still people who are connected. Looking back at it, I wish I’d had the insight to say that I wanted to get to know who you are now instead of just carrying on like we’d never stopped. In a weird way, I also understand not feeling “like that” for you, because I do and I don’t. I will always love you. And I think you will always be my “one that could have been”. It is really hard to be your friend sometimes, because you are such an amazing guy. Your sense of humor is hysterical, and your intelligence is dead sexy. I was hoping that being happy with someone else would take away the feelings that I have for you, but it didn’t. If anything, I found myself wishing that I could combine you and Mr. Too Early. I don’t want a relationship with someone who can’t correct my spelling…and frankly I got tired of explaining my vocabulary to him.
I want to be able to appreciate your friendship. I want to get to know you. Not the you I knew, but the you you are now. And I want you to get to know me. Who I am now, not who I was. We’re both amazing people…and we really are good friends. Once I let go of this ridiculousness, it will be even better. I don’t know how to just let it go, I’m hoping that getting some of this out will help, and that as I get to know you now, we’ll be able to build a new friendship that doesn’t have the weirdness I bring to it. I’m sorry for hurting you then, I know how it feels now and well…I deserved all I got. I’m sorry I haven’t let go, I know it makes it awkward sometimes, and I really am trying. I know that the depth of our bond will see us through this, and that makes me happy. For now, we’ll just keep plugging along. And we’ll go to the movies.
