Blog-a-saurus Rex

This may end up being the longest blog I’ve ever posted. I am so ridiculously “full” and right now cannot be arsed to hand-write in my journal so here it will go. I may end up putting this on lock-down, and if I do, I’ll give out the password to those who I want to share with.

I don’t even know where to back up to. Maybe I’ll start with the present instead.

A few minutes ago I logged in to MySpace (which I’ve all but abandoned for Twitter, lol) and read a bulletin from my baby sister. She is 18 now…she’ll be 19 in a few weeks, but she will always be my “baby” sister. She is really going through a hard time with her mom, and I can identify with that all too well. We do not share the same mother, yet we’ve shared personal hell with hers. To know that she is having such a hard time, and to read about it on MySpace…stung. I have lived my life waiting desperately for the day when I could actually have a relationship with my sisters…tonight I reached out for the last time. I wrote Dre an email, and let her know that I’m here if there is any way I can help. I’ve done it before, but…it never amounts to anything. I never even heard back from Amanda after wishing her a Happy Birthday in April. Yeah…close is likely never a word that will describe me and my sisters, and that pains me in ways I can’t even articulate.

I am also trying to really, in my soul, to reconcile with the fact that I may only ever birth one child. I have always wanted to be a mother, and always a mother of more than one child. And yet, I was selfish. When I had Deylan, even though I’d had a really hard time with Jess, I felt so complete and so whole. And not in that “I had a baby to have someone to love me” way…I’ve wanted to be a mother since I could remember. I have very few childhood memories, and yet one of the first memories I have is of holding a doll like it was a real baby. I was so blessed and so in love with my son, I didn’t want to have another baby too soon. The days and years go by so fast and I didn’t want to share. Now I’m wondering if I waited too long. We’ve been trying for over a year now, and nothing. Nothing at all. I don’t want to go the medical route. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars to “maybe” have a baby. I would rather give up while I’m ahead, and count the blessing I already have. But I am filled with a profound sadness. I am so grateful for Deylan…he is amazing and blissful and I couldn’t ask for more. Yet he’s lonely, and he wants a sibling. He longs for a baby, and it pains me to feel like I cannot give it to him. I know that I need to be grateful and I am. And, honestly, if I only ever have D, I will know that I was given the most amazing responsibility I could ever have, being Deylan’s mama.

I have been in a unique position lately. One doesn’t usually get the chance to reconnect with their best friends. Over the past few years, I’ve reconnected with both my high school best friend and my post-high school best friend. I have the most amazing set of people in my life, and I finally have the missing piece now that Camille and I are in each others lives again. I’m glad we took the time apart that we did…although it was super painful. Each time we revisit the past, we seem to be able to heal another small piece of it, and it is good. There is a peace that I am loving now that I am 30. So much less pressure and so much more self-acceptance.

I have so much more to write, and yet I’m watching Underworld and now I’m kinda sucked in. I’ll let it go here for now and maybe edit later or just post another one.

:::shakes head::: Really?!

I was prepared to blog about some other stuff going on in my life, but I just had a really weird experience, and feel like I need to vent about that first.

I was kneeling down in my closet getting some pajamas to change in to. My wife was sitting on our bed, and our son was running around being silly. She whispered to him, “Go push Mama over” and I immediately said, “No”…not wanting to fall on my arse in our closet. She then said, “You know, like cow tipping”. I responded, “Listen to what you just said, are you serious?!” She repeated it out loud, and then fell over on the bed in hysterics. Failing to see the humor, I got up and left the room. She tried to fight her way into the bathroom (*still laughing*) and I told her with a straight face that if it wasn’t bad enough that I am already sensitive about the weight I gained (and consequently didn’t lose) from my pregnancy (Oh yes, 4 years ago), she had to go and say THAT? And she back-peddled and said, “You know, how you’re from Tracy, I just thought, haha…cow tipping”. WTH??? Yes, I grew up in the Central Valley. In all my life I have NEVER ONCE been “cow tipping”. I have been to parties thrown in corn fields, but I’ve also been to parties in Sonoma at a farm called the Space Pharm, so…that really isn’t indicative of much.

I’m not an insecure person. I know my wife loves me. I also know I’m good looking, and a great catch. No part of me feels like she purposely was being hurtful, and yet I feel like she really needs to understand that sometimes, when you say something, you really should think about what you are saying. Am I so wrong in that? I’m not going to hold it against her, I just told her I needed to take some time to process it and be okay.

In other news, I have been really really sick. I don’t know what the hell happened to me. I rarely get sick, and if I do, it’s usually something I pick up from one of the kids. This time, I am the only one who got sick, which leads me to believe it was something released by the acupuncture.  I’m still coughing and losing my voice from the coughing. (YAY!…not)

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it on here, but I have a new job. I’m watching a 19 month old little girl on Thursdays, in addition to the 2 I regularly watch and my son. It works out really well, or at least I should say I thought it would work out really well, because that is our play-date day with my mom friends. So I take the fearsome foursome over to the play-date today, everyone had a great time, and it was awesome. There was some stuff that came up over the little boy I regularly watch getting upset because the new, younger girl was sleeping in his pack-n-play, but that got resolved and it was smooth sailing after that. Then, her father came to pick her up and the interview started. Now, don’t get me wrong…her parents have EVERY right to know about where she was, who she was around, and what she did. I have nothing to hide, and am not upset about them wanting to make sure there daughter is well cared for and safe. I did get a little upset when, as the questions kept coming, I realized that these people never interviewed me or asked me any questions other than if I would watch their daughter and what I would charge. I assumed, as they are neighbors of the family I work for, that they knew a little of my background. Who I am, how long I’ve worked with kids, etc. I also assumed that since they placed their daughter in my care, they trusted me to care for her, and make decisions as I would for my own child (as that is largely how I care for children, like they were my own). We’ll see if I even keep the job after this afternoon, it was an uncomfortable weirdness, and while they are really nice people…I’m just not sure it’s a great fit. I’m going to give it a few more tries though, because she is really a very sweet little girl and I’m chalking it up to us (adults) just not knowing each other very well yet.

Completely shifting gears again, since I refuse to travel during holiday weekends, we are going to have a “bring your own picnic” with friends and family at Vasona this weekend. I love that park, and I really really really hope that it isn’t crazy busy Sunday. There is a little train, a carosel, some ducks, several playgrounds, and even a pond. I think it’ll stand to be a good time.

I am excited that Shabbat is tomorrow. Although we aren’t hosting a big dinner (as has become habit and will definitely stay a habit) it makes me happy that D is starting to ask which day is Shabbat, and to be excited about it. It makes me so happy and proud to see him invested in the ritual and the prayers.I just need to find some kind of wheat free or gluten free challah recipe, and we’ll be all set. For now, I’m just limiting myself to small pieces, and only on Shabbat.

On that note, I should go find myself something to snack on since it’s almost 9 p.m. and it’s WAY past dinner time.

I guess you can only *really* be 20 once :-/

I went out last night, to see one of my favorite (local) bands. They have gone through some line up changes through the years, and it had easy been 5 years since I’ve seen them live. I have been aching for a good hXc show lately, as it’s been far too long and I really needed the release. I missed the last show, so after much internet research, I found one that was last night. Well…there were a few small “issues” with last nights show before I even got there.

1) This was Jess’s first Mother’s Day without her mom and that was really hard.

2) The show was an “all ages” show…which means kids. On my “kid-free” time. Which is really, really effing rare.

3) Said show was also at a junior/community college, which means college kids.

Now, I know that may sound judgmental, and I don’t mean to be. I love kids. I love MY kid. I love the kids I watch, and I certainly don’t have any issues with having children around me. I also have no issues with children being exposed to various kinds of music. However, hXc is notorious for being a foul-mouthed scene, and small children being around screaming expletives is another thing entirely. I wasn’t there to be hanging out with kids. I was worried enough that at 30 I was going to feel over-aged with the college kids. The “under 10″ set really threw me for a loop.

I ran in to a few people I used to know, which was both cool, and really effing weird. I think of myself as the same person, only having changed mildly. And then I see people I haven’t seen in 10 years and go, “Wow…uhm…yeah”.

I watched the band before them play, and while I appreciate their passion, it wasn’t really my cuppa (tea). Said “Hi” to Mark before the show, which was kind of nice. They came out on the stage and I was ready. Checked the set list and realized I only really knew 2 of the songs they planned to play. :-/ When they started to play, a small pit opened up and I stood on the side, braced and ready. For what? I stood there and nothing really happened so I moved away. The sound was weird and tinny. The energy of the new line-up was…so different. I tried my hardest to really engage and rock out, and for one song I really got into it, but even still, the experience came up so short for me. I know it was a laundry list of reasons that made it that way, and I understand some of them, but I guess it’s just really different now.

We ended up going to a bar (which, let me tell you, was WAY more amusing than I ever thought it could be) and getting some “happy hour” food. Then we went to a pub/club where they have a DJ and danced a bit. (Sidenote: Dancing in a strapless bra is NOT good) We got attacked by these cougars with “refreshers” (mini-face lifts) sloshing their wine as they begged us to come dance with them. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I was at home, in bed, by 1:30 a.m. It felt oddly good, like that was where I really *should* be. I had a great time…but I could have a great time with Camille in the middle of an old warehouse. Which leads me to my next subject…

Shabbat this week was so amazing and awesome!! In my quest for more observance I had been trying to detach from the electronic world and really spend Shabbat focused on my family, not just going through the motions of candle lighting and prayers. I missed 2 weeks due to plans (yes…I actually made plans for Shabbat and then *felt* it afterward. I never felt guilty, just *off*) and made sure that come Friday night there would be challah, friends and family, food, and wine. We cooked (soy-vey salmon on the bbq…if you haven’t had it, you need to!) and opened some wine. The kids played, D and I lit candles and said our prayers, and the night was absolutely blissful. The children didn’t argue or bicker, no one got hurt, and we broke off into different groups of conversations throughout the night that were seamless and organic. When everyone left (nearing 11:30 p.m. when Tesha and Bri went home) I was cuddled in bed with D reading a book. I can’t begin to tell you what it did for my heart, my soul, my brain…it was awesome. I left my phone and iPod off the next morning (I’m not there yet…I’m working at it) and had an awesome morning with my family. Complete with my son scarfing down the leftover challah. Speaking of challah, if anyone has a really good recipe that will make just one family worth of challah (2 loaves max) please share. Even better if you know of a wheat-free challah recipe.

*sigh* Somewhere along the way I’ve grown up. And, truth be told, I’m incredibly happy with where my life is now and who I’ve become. I just feel like I’ve grown “out” of that scene. Maybe it’s for the best? I’ll always love the music, but I’m not that same little girl anymore. What does grown up hXc look like? Is there a scene for the not-young-kids, not-over-the-hill set?!

Non-tagged

50 Things nobody ever asks…
1. What color is your toothbrush?
I have 2. One is purple, the other is sort of teal-ish blue.

2. Name one person who made you smile today:
Listening to D and Jess play Wii made me smile, even through my hangover/headache.

3. What were you doing at 8:00am today?
Laying in bed, wishing I was asleep and it wasn’t so damn bright, but also listening to Jess and D play Wii and smiling because it was so damn cute.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
Playing Wii bowling because D couldn’t quite get the hang of it.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?
Maybe a Twix caramel? I’m not really sure. I don’t have a “favorite”.

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes, and really…I could go the rest of my life without going back.

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?
Should I just go to Target by myself?

8. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Baskin Robbins World Class Chocolate. Hands down, it makes me happy. (And kinda sick, but they could never replicate that flavor w/ soy. Ever.)

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Coffee w/ soy milk and sugar free vanilla syrup.

10. Do you like your wallet?
No. It was a hand-me-sideways from my sister-in-law.

11. What was the last thing you ate?
Vanilla yogurt. I’m starving.

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
I grabbed some t-shirts @ the shoe store, but they are too big.

13. The last sporting event you watched?
Does Wii sports count?

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
Kettle corn is the only popcorn I will eat.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?
Taffy, she offered me a massage, but I couldn’t get there.

16. Ever go camping?
Yeah, and I kvetch. A lot. But I usually have fun.

17. Do you take vitamins daily?
I was, but I was ODing on vitamin B and stopped.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?
No, I’ve been going to Hebrew classes on Sundays.

19. Do you have a tan?
I have a “mom-who-has-been-at-the-park-a-lot” tan, much like a farmer’s tan.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

Usually. But it depends on where it’s from.

21. Do you drink your POP with a straw?
I don’t drink SODA.

22. What did your last text message say?

Something about letting Taffy know asap whether I could make it to the spa for a massage.

23. What are you doing tomorrow?
Hebrew class (see above), and then some random stuff.

24. What sounds are you listening to now?
Jess and D playing Batman and Joker, and John singing to himself in the kitchen.

25. Look to your left, what do you see?
The slider that leads to the backyard.

26. What color is your watch?
I don’t even own one.

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia?
The Crocodile Hunter and kangaroos.

28. What is your birthstone?
I’m a cusp baby.

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
I try my hardest not to eat fast food. But if there is a drive-thru Starbucks…forgetaboutit, my lazy arse is driving on thru!

31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone?
Camille.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
In the bed, there are 4. I only use 1.

32. Any plans today?
Gotta get a present for Lolo, his bday party is in…3.5 hours. I’m a f*cking slacker.

33. How many states have you lived in?
One.

34. Biggest annoyance right now?
I’m really hungry, and don’t want anything to eat.

35. Last song listened to?
I was drunk, I have no idea.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
I can. I practiced when I was younger because I heard it was part of the DUI test. Yes, I was stupid, but hey, I can do it!

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?
Honestly, no. If I had to have someone clean my house I would feel like a monumental failure. I’m weird.

38. Favorite pair of shoes you like to wear all the time?
Adidas shelltoes with brown stripes and tan soles.

39. Are you jealous of anyone?
Jealous? Not-so-much.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?
If they are, I wish they wouldn’t be, but I can’t control them…if they exist. Wow…slight tangent…sorry.

41. Do you love anyone?
I love lots of people.

42. Do any of your friends have children?
Some. I’d say we have a decent split of friends. Almost all my “nearest and dearest” do though.

43. What do you usually do during the day?
Work, either at my job or at home. Occasionally I’ll be really lazy all day and sit on the interwebs.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
Hate? No. Dislike, absolutely.

45. Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily?
Not in the traditional way. Usually when I’m being a smart ass. Quite like one would use the word “Duh”.

46. What color are your favorite shoes?
See above.

47. Do you like cats?
Not really, I mean…I do, but I’m kinda allergic so I’m not a huge fan.

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?

Yes. I’m wondering what Monique is up to, since she’s the one I got this ridiculously long survey thing from.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes. Pointless question. Did a 12 year old write this?

50. How did you get your worst scar?
C-section, and I’d do it again any or every day if the results would be the same.

Hormonal insanity…

I want to be pregnant, but I’m pretty sure I’m PMSing. I am so tired of this damn go-round. And, yes…I’m quite aware that there are plenty of people who have no children, and I have a healthy almost four year old. I feel like a psychopath. I start the day in a great mood. Nothing really happens, and all of the sudden, about mid-day, I’m ready to kill the world. This has happened two days in a row.

On the plus side, Camille and I have reconnected, and I feel really good about it. We’ve both matured and let go of a lot. She gets the “pregnant” vibe…I’m just so tired of the ups and downs, I can’t even entertain that. Until I am past the “due” date…this is PMS and nothing more.

Oy…first day of Pesach…I feel like I’m eating every non-flour/levened (sp) thing in sight. I do have a K.f.P. cake but I don’t feel like baking it only to have Jess kvetch about there being cake in the house since she started Weight Watchers again last night. At the same time…what the hell else can I even eat? Nothing right now. Which, is supposed to make me feel closer to G-d, but right now, I just feel irritable and angry.

Camille just tweeted me that we should go out…I was like…crap! I want to, but I’ve got work at 8. That and I’m cold already in the house. I need more food. Back later!

Email me

Should you need the password. Something came up that I’d really only like to share with my nearest and dearest, so…y’all know who you are…get at me.

Protected: Tears of joy

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So much to do, so little time

We are leaving for Florida in…less that 72 hours.

(Hey Pam…we’ve got a layover in Houston, lol…I know it’s not going to work, but I felt I must mention it.)

Being 30 years old, I have finally learned some things about myself. One of those things is that it is difficult for me to travel. I get stressed out by the minutiae. Literally, all of the tiny details overwhelm me to the point where I am anxiety riddled and grumpy. It could be a tiny trip or a month long stay, the size of the trip does not matter.

I think I am more anxious than usual because I would normally rely on Margene to help me stay centered, to remind me that all is okay, and to be my “home base” to call and check in with. Despite the fact that I was not born to her I feel like I lost one of the most awesome moms I could have ever had. Her absence is glaring right now. Stacked on top of having lost Jess’s mom (even though we were not particularly close, we did have a good relationship) it is just so hard. Jess and I are both in this mourning phase, and I think that just furthered the need to be with family. Mr. M’s family is so awesome, and we really love them. I can’t wait to see all of the cousins. If Florida were not Florida, we’d so move there.

Today, because lil C has an ear infection, sinus infection, and a touch of pneumonia (I know, I know) I have the day mostly off. Which is perfect because I need to finish laundry, pack, clean, pack, make sure I have everything, and stress out. For once today I was thrilled that I’m not pregnant because I can go to Starshmuck’s and get some serious caffeine and crack out. I have to accomplish all of this somehow.

Jess is totally willing to help, but right now she has some really serious stuff going on at work. Speaking of work…my boss bid for her new shift yesterday and got swing. We really were not expecting this, but better swing than midnights. So here we are, for at least 6 months from March. My hours will shift somehow, we’ll see exactly what will happen. I feel like while J feels like she can get up every morning so that I could come in later and stay later…it is a hopeful thought at best. Long term, she’ll need more than 3 hours of sleep to watch the kids for 2-3 hours, and split sleep is not really good, so going back to sleep after I come in will just be hard. B works really hard and really long hours. She has a lot of dinners and stuff to attend, so getting her home in the evenings is hard. *sigh* I’m a little worried about how this will all pan out, but we’ll see. A starts school in Sept., so life will change then too. Oh…and my days off will change from Fri/Sa/Su to Sa/Su/Mon. Nothing too major, but it’ll take some getting used to. I have had Fridays off since D was like, 14 months old.

Alright, I’m off to the shower and to get this day rolling. D has been watching me blog for a while now and wants a turn, so I’m going to give him some space to type.

*************D’s space*************

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Sato Sushi…my review

Okay…sushi is a very yummy, very expensive treat. We usually go only to places we know.

Tonight, we were supposed to go to one of our favorite sushi place in Union City, but our plans changed last minute and we still wanted sushi. So we looked on the Internet, and found a local place that got pretty decent reviews.

We got there saw and saw that there was a train, and the hostess actually walked away from us so we could decide where we’d like to sit. Now, the restaurant wasn’t busy, and she didn’t have other patrons to seat…she just walked away like she didn’t want to be bothered by our decision making.

After we were seated (we opted for a table, the train would be far too much temptation for D), we had to wait quite a while for our waitress, and when she came she was hurried and rude. As we were asking questions (I cannot eat mayonaise and there is often mayo in the “sauces” of fancy sushi), the waitress answered the ringing phone in her apron. She took the phone patron’s order while standing at our table. As a result, the waitress didn’t take our order correctly. More on that in a minute. Our food took quite a while to come, and when it did, it was all wrong and out of order. The seaweed salad on my “Shrek roll” was neither sweet like rice wine vinegar, nor pungent like regular vinegar. I couldn’t even eat it, it was gross. Jess only got one of her rolls, and D’s food came  and was huge, but having never been there before, we didn’t question it. We waited and waited for Jess’s other roll, or even for our waitress to come back, but she never did. Not once, through the meal. Until she brought us our check, which was way more than we expected. When Jess looked over it, she saw that we were charged for an adult meal, instead of the child’s meal we ordered. We tried to talk to the waitress and the hostess about it, who insisted they brought us an adult meal. We didn’t argue with that, but were upset that we had ordered a child’s meal AND that we never even got a chance to ask the waitress about it because she never came back.

All in all, $51 for some crappy service and mediocre sushi was shitty. We actually considered calling the BBB about this. We still may tomorrow.

*sigh* I had a ton of other things to write about…and this over shadowed the night. Stupid sushi.

Temper-effing-tantrums…

I know, in my heart of hearts, that my son is not only normal and healthy, but functioning well within the “acceptable” range for his age. Having said that, I also sometimes genuinely (okay, maybe not really) have a desire to sell him on eBay. Usually, it’s days like today, where everything started so good…and went south so quickly…that I wonder what a healthy, gorgeous (if I do say so myself) little boy would net if posted.
Granted…I believe in full disclosure, so his ad will talk all about his sweetness and his insanity. I will even offer to write out a list of all the things I’ve tried that have failed, just to make sure the potential buyer knows what they are getting in to.

***************Before anyone gets upset and calls DCFS…know that I am completely kidding******************

I don’t know how we got here. We started with the best of intentions. Attachment parenting, co-sleeping, loving and gentle discipline. *sigh*

The last, oh…few months, have been riddled with crying fits. And, they started out as very real crying fits. To which, I…as the attentive mama I try to be…responded with kindness and care, and firm boundaries when needed. Well…now, they are not real crying fits. They are fake, whining, attention getting, and very, very annoying crying fits. And, they come on for no reason. It could be the toothpaste. It could be his pants. It could be a show. It could be ANYTHING. I cannot predict it to help redirect him, and once it starts, I can’t stop it either. I know he’s faking the crying. The fit itself is real. But there is no rhyme or reason to it, and it’s not like the child doesn’t get enough attention.

Today, I Googled (yes, I know…) “3.5 year old crying temper tantrums”…and boy did I read some interesting stuff. The most poignant advice was to “ignore” the fits. Seriously!? Ignore it?! Have you (oh advice giver) ever been near my son when this happens? I could no sooner ignore a fire engine driving across my face.

Now, I am “lucky”. My son is relatively mild mannered, not aggressive, and for the most part has really good behaviour. He doesn’t lash out at me or Jess when he has these fits, and he isn’t exhibiting any other behaviour issues. He does wake up once a night, crying, and need to be escorted to the potty. Occasionally it’s hard to settle him back into bed. But really…this fit thing is the worst of it.

My son desperately wants a sibling, and we’re trying our hardest, but I’m not certain I can deal with the high-strung emotions of pregnancy on top of these fits. Maybe that is why G-d seems to be gently keeping us waiting?

On top of this…A is challenging the socks off of me. All morning, all she wanted was to go outside. Well, it was wet and yucky outside, so we waited until the sun came out. Now, the sun is out, it’s beautiful, I picked up all the dog doo so she and D could play to their hearts content…and she wants to come in and watch TV. Nope. No TV. “I’m tired.” she says. “Go lay down on the sofa. ” “But, I want to watch TV.” “No. No TV.” ACK!!!!! I swear, I’m leaving the TV off for the rest of the day. And, I might leave it off tomorrow. And the next day too. I understand it’s hard…but I think she’s addicted. We’ve been leaving the TV off in the evenings, spending time w/ D as a family, eating dinner together and such. It’s been good for him.

I also repeat myself like, 16 billion times a day. Whether it’s “Clear your place please” or “No snack until snack time” or whatever the phrase may be…I tend to hate the sound of my own voice by the end of the day. I need to find that damn “Love and Logic” book and re-read it.

*sigh*

Why do I feel like the nanny needs Super Nanny? And, granted…I could be making them do something right now instead of typing this, but A is “tired, but I like to sit up when I’m a little sleepy” and D is playing outside with his dog.