Hormonal insanity…

I want to be pregnant, but I’m pretty sure I’m PMSing. I am so tired of this damn go-round. And, yes…I’m quite aware that there are plenty of people who have no children, and I have a healthy almost four year old. I feel like a psychopath. I start the day in a great mood. Nothing really happens, and all of the sudden, about mid-day, I’m ready to kill the world. This has happened two days in a row.

On the plus side, Camille and I have reconnected, and I feel really good about it. We’ve both matured and let go of a lot. She gets the “pregnant” vibe…I’m just so tired of the ups and downs, I can’t even entertain that. Until I am past the “due” date…this is PMS and nothing more.

Oy…first day of Pesach…I feel like I’m eating every non-flour/levened (sp) thing in sight. I do have a K.f.P. cake but I don’t feel like baking it only to have Jess kvetch about there being cake in the house since she started Weight Watchers again last night. At the same time…what the hell else can I even eat? Nothing right now. Which, is supposed to make me feel closer to G-d, but right now, I just feel irritable and angry.

Camille just tweeted me that we should go out…I was like…crap! I want to, but I’ve got work at 8. That and I’m cold already in the house. I need more food. Back later!

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So much to do, so little time

We are leaving for Florida in…less that 72 hours.

(Hey Pam…we’ve got a layover in Houston, lol…I know it’s not going to work, but I felt I must mention it.)

Being 30 years old, I have finally learned some things about myself. One of those things is that it is difficult for me to travel. I get stressed out by the minutiae. Literally, all of the tiny details overwhelm me to the point where I am anxiety riddled and grumpy. It could be a tiny trip or a month long stay, the size of the trip does not matter.

I think I am more anxious than usual because I would normally rely on Margene to help me stay centered, to remind me that all is okay, and to be my “home base” to call and check in with. Despite the fact that I was not born to her I feel like I lost one of the most awesome moms I could have ever had. Her absence is glaring right now. Stacked on top of having lost Jess’s mom (even though we were not particularly close, we did have a good relationship) it is just so hard. Jess and I are both in this mourning phase, and I think that just furthered the need to be with family. Mr. M’s family is so awesome, and we really love them. I can’t wait to see all of the cousins. If Florida were not Florida, we’d so move there.

Today, because lil C has an ear infection, sinus infection, and a touch of pneumonia (I know, I know) I have the day mostly off. Which is perfect because I need to finish laundry, pack, clean, pack, make sure I have everything, and stress out. For once today I was thrilled that I’m not pregnant because I can go to Starshmuck’s and get some serious caffeine and crack out. I have to accomplish all of this somehow.

Jess is totally willing to help, but right now she has some really serious stuff going on at work. Speaking of work…my boss bid for her new shift yesterday and got swing. We really were not expecting this, but better swing than midnights. So here we are, for at least 6 months from March. My hours will shift somehow, we’ll see exactly what will happen. I feel like while J feels like she can get up every morning so that I could come in later and stay later…it is a hopeful thought at best. Long term, she’ll need more than 3 hours of sleep to watch the kids for 2-3 hours, and split sleep is not really good, so going back to sleep after I come in will just be hard. B works really hard and really long hours. She has a lot of dinners and stuff to attend, so getting her home in the evenings is hard. *sigh* I’m a little worried about how this will all pan out, but we’ll see. A starts school in Sept., so life will change then too. Oh…and my days off will change from Fri/Sa/Su to Sa/Su/Mon. Nothing too major, but it’ll take some getting used to. I have had Fridays off since D was like, 14 months old.

Alright, I’m off to the shower and to get this day rolling. D has been watching me blog for a while now and wants a turn, so I’m going to give him some space to type.

*************D’s space*************

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Sato Sushi…my review

Okay…sushi is a very yummy, very expensive treat. We usually go only to places we know.

Tonight, we were supposed to go to one of our favorite sushi place in Union City, but our plans changed last minute and we still wanted sushi. So we looked on the Internet, and found a local place that got pretty decent reviews.

We got there saw and saw that there was a train, and the hostess actually walked away from us so we could decide where we’d like to sit. Now, the restaurant wasn’t busy, and she didn’t have other patrons to seat…she just walked away like she didn’t want to be bothered by our decision making.

After we were seated (we opted for a table, the train would be far too much temptation for D), we had to wait quite a while for our waitress, and when she came she was hurried and rude. As we were asking questions (I cannot eat mayonaise and there is often mayo in the “sauces” of fancy sushi), the waitress answered the ringing phone in her apron. She took the phone patron’s order while standing at our table. As a result, the waitress didn’t take our order correctly. More on that in a minute. Our food took quite a while to come, and when it did, it was all wrong and out of order. The seaweed salad on my “Shrek roll” was neither sweet like rice wine vinegar, nor pungent like regular vinegar. I couldn’t even eat it, it was gross. Jess only got one of her rolls, and D’s food came  and was huge, but having never been there before, we didn’t question it. We waited and waited for Jess’s other roll, or even for our waitress to come back, but she never did. Not once, through the meal. Until she brought us our check, which was way more than we expected. When Jess looked over it, she saw that we were charged for an adult meal, instead of the child’s meal we ordered. We tried to talk to the waitress and the hostess about it, who insisted they brought us an adult meal. We didn’t argue with that, but were upset that we had ordered a child’s meal AND that we never even got a chance to ask the waitress about it because she never came back.

All in all, $51 for some crappy service and mediocre sushi was shitty. We actually considered calling the BBB about this. We still may tomorrow.

*sigh* I had a ton of other things to write about…and this over shadowed the night. Stupid sushi.

Temper-effing-tantrums…

I know, in my heart of hearts, that my son is not only normal and healthy, but functioning well within the “acceptable” range for his age. Having said that, I also sometimes genuinely (okay, maybe not really) have a desire to sell him on eBay. Usually, it’s days like today, where everything started so good…and went south so quickly…that I wonder what a healthy, gorgeous (if I do say so myself) little boy would net if posted.
Granted…I believe in full disclosure, so his ad will talk all about his sweetness and his insanity. I will even offer to write out a list of all the things I’ve tried that have failed, just to make sure the potential buyer knows what they are getting in to.

***************Before anyone gets upset and calls DCFS…know that I am completely kidding******************

I don’t know how we got here. We started with the best of intentions. Attachment parenting, co-sleeping, loving and gentle discipline. *sigh*

The last, oh…few months, have been riddled with crying fits. And, they started out as very real crying fits. To which, I…as the attentive mama I try to be…responded with kindness and care, and firm boundaries when needed. Well…now, they are not real crying fits. They are fake, whining, attention getting, and very, very annoying crying fits. And, they come on for no reason. It could be the toothpaste. It could be his pants. It could be a show. It could be ANYTHING. I cannot predict it to help redirect him, and once it starts, I can’t stop it either. I know he’s faking the crying. The fit itself is real. But there is no rhyme or reason to it, and it’s not like the child doesn’t get enough attention.

Today, I Googled (yes, I know…) “3.5 year old crying temper tantrums”…and boy did I read some interesting stuff. The most poignant advice was to “ignore” the fits. Seriously!? Ignore it?! Have you (oh advice giver) ever been near my son when this happens? I could no sooner ignore a fire engine driving across my face.

Now, I am “lucky”. My son is relatively mild mannered, not aggressive, and for the most part has really good behaviour. He doesn’t lash out at me or Jess when he has these fits, and he isn’t exhibiting any other behaviour issues. He does wake up once a night, crying, and need to be escorted to the potty. Occasionally it’s hard to settle him back into bed. But really…this fit thing is the worst of it.

My son desperately wants a sibling, and we’re trying our hardest, but I’m not certain I can deal with the high-strung emotions of pregnancy on top of these fits. Maybe that is why G-d seems to be gently keeping us waiting?

On top of this…A is challenging the socks off of me. All morning, all she wanted was to go outside. Well, it was wet and yucky outside, so we waited until the sun came out. Now, the sun is out, it’s beautiful, I picked up all the dog doo so she and D could play to their hearts content…and she wants to come in and watch TV. Nope. No TV. “I’m tired.” she says. “Go lay down on the sofa. ” “But, I want to watch TV.” “No. No TV.” ACK!!!!! I swear, I’m leaving the TV off for the rest of the day. And, I might leave it off tomorrow. And the next day too. I understand it’s hard…but I think she’s addicted. We’ve been leaving the TV off in the evenings, spending time w/ D as a family, eating dinner together and such. It’s been good for him.

I also repeat myself like, 16 billion times a day. Whether it’s “Clear your place please” or “No snack until snack time” or whatever the phrase may be…I tend to hate the sound of my own voice by the end of the day. I need to find that damn “Love and Logic” book and re-read it.

*sigh*

Why do I feel like the nanny needs Super Nanny? And, granted…I could be making them do something right now instead of typing this, but A is “tired, but I like to sit up when I’m a little sleepy” and D is playing outside with his dog.

What do I have to do???

I know it’s all up to the sperm and the egg. I “get” that each month, we only have like, a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant. I “get” that using our method is slightly less reliable than the regular style. That doesn’t make me feel any better. I know there are more babies in our future. I know it. I feel it like I feel G-d. And yet…here we are…another month, another visit from Aunt Flow, and I’m just not happy.

Aside from that, today was both awesome and completely shitty. I woke up early and made breakfast for D. I was able to make extra pancakes for D (he asks for them most mornings, but I don’t have time). Per usual, I forgot to mind the time and was running late to Hebrew class. When I got there, I was immediately reminded why I go. I really love the community there. And then, M. told me she finished her conversion on Fri., and read her first aliyah, and counted in minyan…and I totally felt so happy for her. I really love the community there, and I want D to experience it too. He actually asked to go to Torah for Tots instead of Tot Shabbat, but I freaked and had an anxiety attack about the new people and then ended up at Shir Hadash. I don’t know why I feel so out of place there. I thought that I would feel better because one of the Rabbis is lesbian with a family and yet…I don’t. I think I really do feel called to a more Conservative practice. At the same time, I am intermarried…and a lesbian. While I am welcome at Sinai, I haven’t sat down w/ Rabbi B. to ask him his official stance on it. *sigh*

We went to see Coraline today. It was a really good movie, but WAY WAY WAY over D’s head. Plus, with all the drama of the day (more on that in a minute) Jess fell asleep during the movie. The “good” side was that we found a cheaper movie theater, so we actually went to the movies AND bought snacks for $28. That hasn’t happened in a long time.

Forgot to mention the drama/fight. Jess locked her keys in her car. Now….I happened to check my phone during class, and got a message saying she needed me and how soon could I be where she was. Well, I leave…but don’t know where I’m going. I call J off the hook. Literally, like, 12 times in a row. It’s raining outside, and I can’t get a hold of her, and I don’t know where I’m going. At this point, I get worried and I start freaking out. Thankfully, I have “Garmin-style” intuition…so I get there. I find her, and she’s smiling and happy. I look at her, and I’m now pissed. I said, “What…is something wrong in your DNA that you are unable to answer your phone?” She got all pissed that I said that in front of the clerk at the pet store, and then we started arguing. Meanwhile, I ask her if she even thought to call AAA. Through all of this, she didn’t even think about it. I was furious. I called AAA, and they were there within 15 minutes. Literally…like…BAM. Keys are out, life went on. But, I was super pissed, I knew I’d hurt her, but I just got so upset. I get told so often by her that she doesn’t want me to treat her like a child…but she acts like a child and so I get really confused.

This is not a clear, cohesive entry…sorry about that. I haven’t had a clear, cohesive thought all day…so I shouldn’t be surprised that my writing would reflect that.

I need to go to bed. Work is EARLY tomorrow.

Tagged again…

I was “tagged” over a month ago, yet because I’m a bit of a slacker, I’m just now getting to this!

16 random factoids…*sigh*…I can’t even give you the easy one of blood type because I don’t know it. LOL.

Here ya go:

*1* I found out years ago that I had Jewish ancestry, after spending years feeling “called” to Judaism. (That is known) The other day, while messing around online I found a website that can check databases of known Jewish families by surname. I found out that both my mother’s mother AND my mother’s father’s families were Jewish, AND that my maternal grandfather’s family had been in 2 concentration camps. I shed some tears…and have a heaviness in my heart, but feel more complete than I have in a while. Now, if I could just get the DNA test to tell me what tribe my father was a part of…

*2* I am both almost desperate, and terribly frightened, to have another child. I am so afraid that I’ll end up with a child that is so different from D that I won’t know what to do, yet I am so yearning for another one. The fact that D keeps begging for a baby isn’t helping either side of the cause.

*3* At Halloween, I was really starting to get pissed off at how many people suggested I should be Velma (from Scooby Doo). Yes, I have short hair and glasses. Yes, I’m intelligent. No, I don’t want to don a turtle neck and a micro mini and run around saying, “Zoinks”.

*4* I love to cook. If I could, I’d home cook every meal we eat. I often don’t have time though…and that is where so many of our hard earned dollars go down the drain.

*5* I am one of those people who actually likes to learn. I told someone in an interview the other day that if I could get paid to go to school full-time, I’d make that my profession. I love having knowledge…and have a treasure trove of useless info tucked away in my brain. Ask me something…I just might know the answer (or at the very least, an entertaining story about the topic).

*6* I’ve done a bunch of those “ask me anything” posts on various sites, yet…no one really asks me anything. I’m thinking either I’m too honest already, so people have no curiosity where I am concerned OR people are afraid to ask me things. People have been afraid of/intimidated by me all my life, and I’m not certain I’ll ever understand it. Yes, I can be fierce…but most people never experience that. Hmph.

*7* I cried when I changed my last name. Not like, a tiny cry…like a monumental sob. Part of me felt so strange, even though I’ve been usingmy married name for years unofficially, I’ve never been really, legally, any other name. And a part of me, the child who grew up in a house where everyone had the same last name except me, was so happy to have the same LEGAL last name as my child finally. I still feel weird…I try not to over-analyze it.

*8* I don’t have a favorite song. I have so many artists that I love, so many songs that move me…I can never choose just one.

*9* I am a reality show addict, and have actually thought recently of doing Wife Swap. I’d love to try it. Although, truth be told, I don’t know how the hell I’d function in some of those people’s homes.

*10* I am deathly afraid of Komodo Dragons. Like…watching them on TV scares the hell out of me. Why? Dunno…I think maybe past life residue or something.

*11* I’m saving my right arm for D (and any other kids we might have) to choose tattoos that they’d like for me to have. The day D can write his own name, I will be heading to the shop and it will go right onto my arm. 

*12* I played the clarinet for years when I was younger, and wish I had mine still, as I would ship it to Mo for her birthday.

*13* I fight the urge sometimes to walk up to people and ask them if they own a mirror. Now, I’m not talking quirky outfits or bright socks (wink wink), I’m talking girls who literally look like they should come with their own stripper pole. We saw a woman the other day who had shorts so short on that we could see her arse. And, she was wearing knee high pirate boots. I won’t even describe the top, but it was insanity. I really wanted to say something. Alas, I did not.

*14* I want a big family, but I’m pretty sure (unless I start playing and then magically win the lottery) it’s not going to happen. I’ll be thrilled if we make it to 3 children.

*15* I cannot shave my legs daily. I have really sensitive skin on my legs and I break out in a rash every time I shave. If I shave daily, I shave over rash and it’s not good. I hate it…and if I could afford electrolysis, I would totally get it.

*16* I’m thrilled to be done with this random divulgence! And, per usual, I open the door to other questions if you so desire to know more. )

I’ve not got others to tag that I didn’t already get tagged by…so…yeah.

Pergatory

Well, apparently I’m sitting in some sort of pre-Hell waiting ground, and have been for some time now.

My MIL’s health is declining very seriously, yet at the same time, she wants to travel. She wants to sip a coconut on the beach and play with the kids in Disneyland. The two major issues with these plans are a) She cannot walk or perform any functions by herself and b) we aren’t blessed with the infinite funds to accompany her on these trips. She requires round the clock care, and has gotten progressively angry at the world…all of this has put more stress on J than I can possibly explain. And, the extra stress on J has trickled down. (Now if only the Republicans trickle down effect was this quick!) We have been fighting, I’m getting resentful and agitated, and honestly…I don’t know how much more of this I/We can take. I don’t know what to do, what to say, or how to behave. If I assert myself at all I stand accused of not having any compassion. Cancer is hell. I wish I could just say no. I wish that G-d had a personal line, and I could just call, and be like…”Dood, I’ve done this already…can we not go down this road again?”

Alas, I do not have any such resource.

So, here I sit. Overwhelmed, under-supported, and tired. I am so tired. I’m so damn tired that I’m tired of being tired. I don’t know what to do, what to say, or how to be. All I really know for sure is that we don’t have an extra $1500 sitting around to jet off to Hawaii or to fly to SoCal and hit up Disneyland.

I have about 6,000 more things to say, but I’m not going to write anymore right now, as D just fell asleep next to me and my niece is sitting on the other side of the bed. That much emotion can be felt…and I don’t care to share.

Feeling “new”…

So, this morning I didn’t want to get out of bed. At all. I was having good/bad dreams, and wanted to stay and finish them. Alas, after my alarm went off, I couldn’t sleep anymore. This whole “go to bed early, get up early” routine is actually working it’s magic…oh bother.

I took a bath (which, I have to say, is becoming my indulgence…all I need is a bigger insulated tub) and then got a cup of coffee and a bagel. I had turned on my computer, and just sat down to blog…when D woke up. *sigh* I need time. Lots and lots of time. Actually, I need to finish my thank you notes from the wedding. That is my commitment to myself today.

Oh, and the new look of the blog…the theme was a pre-fab one from WordPress (I like several of them, but this was the only one D liked, and since he was up, he felt like he should get to be “in” on it) and the photo was taken by me at Lake Tahoe last weekend. I’m going to keep working on some crops and find a better one, but I need to see if putting a pic of D’s feet is a violation of TOS or anything.

Okay…off to get things done. More blog later…