What do I have to do???

I know it’s all up to the sperm and the egg. I “get” that each month, we only have like, a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant. I “get” that using our method is slightly less reliable than the regular style. That doesn’t make me feel any better. I know there are more babies in our future. I know it. I feel it like I feel G-d. And yet…here we are…another month, another visit from Aunt Flow, and I’m just not happy.

Aside from that, today was both awesome and completely shitty. I woke up early and made breakfast for D. I was able to make extra pancakes for D (he asks for them most mornings, but I don’t have time). Per usual, I forgot to mind the time and was running late to Hebrew class. When I got there, I was immediately reminded why I go. I really love the community there. And then, M. told me she finished her conversion on Fri., and read her first aliyah, and counted in minyan…and I totally felt so happy for her. I really love the community there, and I want D to experience it too. He actually asked to go to Torah for Tots instead of Tot Shabbat, but I freaked and had an anxiety attack about the new people and then ended up at Shir Hadash. I don’t know why I feel so out of place there. I thought that I would feel better because one of the Rabbis is lesbian with a family and yet…I don’t. I think I really do feel called to a more Conservative practice. At the same time, I am intermarried…and a lesbian. While I am welcome at Sinai, I haven’t sat down w/ Rabbi B. to ask him his official stance on it. *sigh*

We went to see Coraline today. It was a really good movie, but WAY WAY WAY over D’s head. Plus, with all the drama of the day (more on that in a minute) Jess fell asleep during the movie. The “good” side was that we found a cheaper movie theater, so we actually went to the movies AND bought snacks for $28. That hasn’t happened in a long time.

Forgot to mention the drama/fight. Jess locked her keys in her car. Now….I happened to check my phone during class, and got a message saying she needed me and how soon could I be where she was. Well, I leave…but don’t know where I’m going. I call J off the hook. Literally, like, 12 times in a row. It’s raining outside, and I can’t get a hold of her, and I don’t know where I’m going. At this point, I get worried and I start freaking out. Thankfully, I have “Garmin-style” intuition…so I get there. I find her, and she’s smiling and happy. I look at her, and I’m now pissed. I said, “What…is something wrong in your DNA that you are unable to answer your phone?” She got all pissed that I said that in front of the clerk at the pet store, and then we started arguing. Meanwhile, I ask her if she even thought to call AAA. Through all of this, she didn’t even think about it. I was furious. I called AAA, and they were there within 15 minutes. Literally…like…BAM. Keys are out, life went on. But, I was super pissed, I knew I’d hurt her, but I just got so upset. I get told so often by her that she doesn’t want me to treat her like a child…but she acts like a child and so I get really confused.

This is not a clear, cohesive entry…sorry about that. I haven’t had a clear, cohesive thought all day…so I shouldn’t be surprised that my writing would reflect that.

I need to go to bed. Work is EARLY tomorrow.

Tagged again…

I was “tagged” over a month ago, yet because I’m a bit of a slacker, I’m just now getting to this!

16 random factoids…*sigh*…I can’t even give you the easy one of blood type because I don’t know it. LOL.

Here ya go:

*1* I found out years ago that I had Jewish ancestry, after spending years feeling “called” to Judaism. (That is known) The other day, while messing around online I found a website that can check databases of known Jewish families by surname. I found out that both my mother’s mother AND my mother’s father’s families were Jewish, AND that my maternal grandfather’s family had been in 2 concentration camps. I shed some tears…and have a heaviness in my heart, but feel more complete than I have in a while. Now, if I could just get the DNA test to tell me what tribe my father was a part of…

*2* I am both almost desperate, and terribly frightened, to have another child. I am so afraid that I’ll end up with a child that is so different from D that I won’t know what to do, yet I am so yearning for another one. The fact that D keeps begging for a baby isn’t helping either side of the cause.

*3* At Halloween, I was really starting to get pissed off at how many people suggested I should be Velma (from Scooby Doo). Yes, I have short hair and glasses. Yes, I’m intelligent. No, I don’t want to don a turtle neck and a micro mini and run around saying, “Zoinks”.

*4* I love to cook. If I could, I’d home cook every meal we eat. I often don’t have time though…and that is where so many of our hard earned dollars go down the drain.

*5* I am one of those people who actually likes to learn. I told someone in an interview the other day that if I could get paid to go to school full-time, I’d make that my profession. I love having knowledge…and have a treasure trove of useless info tucked away in my brain. Ask me something…I just might know the answer (or at the very least, an entertaining story about the topic).

*6* I’ve done a bunch of those “ask me anything” posts on various sites, yet…no one really asks me anything. I’m thinking either I’m too honest already, so people have no curiosity where I am concerned OR people are afraid to ask me things. People have been afraid of/intimidated by me all my life, and I’m not certain I’ll ever understand it. Yes, I can be fierce…but most people never experience that. Hmph.

*7* I cried when I changed my last name. Not like, a tiny cry…like a monumental sob. Part of me felt so strange, even though I’ve been usingmy married name for years unofficially, I’ve never been really, legally, any other name. And a part of me, the child who grew up in a house where everyone had the same last name except me, was so happy to have the same LEGAL last name as my child finally. I still feel weird…I try not to over-analyze it.

*8* I don’t have a favorite song. I have so many artists that I love, so many songs that move me…I can never choose just one.

*9* I am a reality show addict, and have actually thought recently of doing Wife Swap. I’d love to try it. Although, truth be told, I don’t know how the hell I’d function in some of those people’s homes.

*10* I am deathly afraid of Komodo Dragons. Like…watching them on TV scares the hell out of me. Why? Dunno…I think maybe past life residue or something.

*11* I’m saving my right arm for D (and any other kids we might have) to choose tattoos that they’d like for me to have. The day D can write his own name, I will be heading to the shop and it will go right onto my arm. 

*12* I played the clarinet for years when I was younger, and wish I had mine still, as I would ship it to Mo for her birthday.

*13* I fight the urge sometimes to walk up to people and ask them if they own a mirror. Now, I’m not talking quirky outfits or bright socks (wink wink), I’m talking girls who literally look like they should come with their own stripper pole. We saw a woman the other day who had shorts so short on that we could see her arse. And, she was wearing knee high pirate boots. I won’t even describe the top, but it was insanity. I really wanted to say something. Alas, I did not.

*14* I want a big family, but I’m pretty sure (unless I start playing and then magically win the lottery) it’s not going to happen. I’ll be thrilled if we make it to 3 children.

*15* I cannot shave my legs daily. I have really sensitive skin on my legs and I break out in a rash every time I shave. If I shave daily, I shave over rash and it’s not good. I hate it…and if I could afford electrolysis, I would totally get it.

*16* I’m thrilled to be done with this random divulgence! And, per usual, I open the door to other questions if you so desire to know more. )

I’ve not got others to tag that I didn’t already get tagged by…so…yeah.

Pergatory

Well, apparently I’m sitting in some sort of pre-Hell waiting ground, and have been for some time now.

My MIL’s health is declining very seriously, yet at the same time, she wants to travel. She wants to sip a coconut on the beach and play with the kids in Disneyland. The two major issues with these plans are a) She cannot walk or perform any functions by herself and b) we aren’t blessed with the infinite funds to accompany her on these trips. She requires round the clock care, and has gotten progressively angry at the world…all of this has put more stress on J than I can possibly explain. And, the extra stress on J has trickled down. (Now if only the Republicans trickle down effect was this quick!) We have been fighting, I’m getting resentful and agitated, and honestly…I don’t know how much more of this I/We can take. I don’t know what to do, what to say, or how to behave. If I assert myself at all I stand accused of not having any compassion. Cancer is hell. I wish I could just say no. I wish that G-d had a personal line, and I could just call, and be like…”Dood, I’ve done this already…can we not go down this road again?”

Alas, I do not have any such resource.

So, here I sit. Overwhelmed, under-supported, and tired. I am so tired. I’m so damn tired that I’m tired of being tired. I don’t know what to do, what to say, or how to be. All I really know for sure is that we don’t have an extra $1500 sitting around to jet off to Hawaii or to fly to SoCal and hit up Disneyland.

I have about 6,000 more things to say, but I’m not going to write anymore right now, as D just fell asleep next to me and my niece is sitting on the other side of the bed. That much emotion can be felt…and I don’t care to share.

Feeling “new”…

So, this morning I didn’t want to get out of bed. At all. I was having good/bad dreams, and wanted to stay and finish them. Alas, after my alarm went off, I couldn’t sleep anymore. This whole “go to bed early, get up early” routine is actually working it’s magic…oh bother.

I took a bath (which, I have to say, is becoming my indulgence…all I need is a bigger insulated tub) and then got a cup of coffee and a bagel. I had turned on my computer, and just sat down to blog…when D woke up. *sigh* I need time. Lots and lots of time. Actually, I need to finish my thank you notes from the wedding. That is my commitment to myself today.

Oh, and the new look of the blog…the theme was a pre-fab one from WordPress (I like several of them, but this was the only one D liked, and since he was up, he felt like he should get to be “in” on it) and the photo was taken by me at Lake Tahoe last weekend. I’m going to keep working on some crops and find a better one, but I need to see if putting a pic of D’s feet is a violation of TOS or anything.

Okay…off to get things done. More blog later…

Manic Monday…wait…it’s Friday, crap!

Well…I have so much going through my head right now, that I’m going to pre-apologize to anyone who might be reading this. It’s going to be a rough read.

We are still (oh yes, STILL) waiting to hear about the houses we put bids on. Three bids, three houses….nothing. Although, apparently the bank on the “Curry” house should be telling us by the end of next week. What the hell does “Short Sale” mean anyway? I was under the impression that it meant “We want our money quickly, and will make this happen STAT”. No. It means “We are a huge institution, and will take our ever-lovin’ time to make up our minds, whilst you sit and get an ulcer”. Either way, we did find a month-to-month rental…but had to have a “surprise inspection” from our property manager and the owner to basically beg for an extension. That was uncomfortable, and really…sucked.

Work has been work…strangely, A has been getting better, but C has been a ball of frustration and tears most days. I really feel for him, he’s such a Taurus. Literally, at 16 months he gets so frustrated that you can almost see steam come out of the sides of his head. He’s so smart, and very capable (this kid was walking at about 7 months…yes…seriously), but he simply can’t do what A & D can…he’s too small. And that frustrates him to no end. A started “real preschool” last week. Which lead to D wanting to go to school. He went from, “I never want to go to school” to “Mama, I want to go to school with A”. Now, we try (to the best of our ability) to practice child-lead parenting (also commonly known as Attachment Parenting). We’re not quite uber-crunchy-granola…maybe just crunchy?   We do co-sleep, and this morning it hit me that my 3 year old rarely uses his room. I mean, I notice it regularly, but this morning it was really…poignant. He’s still asleep, in our bed, where he fell asleep last night. It’s currently 8:16 a.m., and I’m LOVING this whole “Morning Me Time”. Anyway, I digress…he’s never shown an interest in school, and now he is all about it. You would think, that as a prepared parent, I would have already interviewed Co-Ops, gotten him on some waiting lists. Nope. I didn’t do anything because he was never interested. All of the sudden, D wants to go to school…and guess what?! No room! We are #’s 19, 12, and 12 on the waiting lists for the Co-Ops that we like. It’s likely that we won’t get in this year…but I never even thought of that. I spaced. I did sign him up for Tiny Tots, through the community center, which is a mini-preschool Co-Op. Basically, the kids meet 3x/week for 2 hours a day, and the parents volunteer to come in 2-3 times per session (which is about 8 weeks) and bring snack that day. The fees broke the bank (literally…don’t even get me started), but I couldn’t take the risk of not putting him in school when he said he was ready to go. Now, I’m anxious. Like, filled with anxiety. I’m happy for him, I love watching him grow. At the same time, I’ve never left my child in the care of someone I didn’t know. Ever. I mean, it’s great that she’s a teacher and all that jazz…but…I don’t KNOW HER! What’s worse than the anxiety is knowing that D and I are so connected that if I don’t get my shit together soon…he’ll feel it. I don’t want him to feel anxious about school. I want him to love learning, and not feel pressured. Wow, enter the “Airy-Fairy Mama”.

I have school issues. I was tagged “bright” very early, and took tests, pushed through K and 1st grade in one year, put in GATE classes. I love to learn. Yes, I really do. The problem is/was that once people know/knew that I’m intelligent, they expect so much more, and then…the pressure starts. I don’t want to subject D to that. Jess feels that “healthy academic competition” is good for children. Healthy, yes. Pressure…no. *sigh*

I also have a heinous head cold. And, I’m supposed to be going to Lake Tahoe tomorrow. Altitude+head cold=holy canoli. I’ve been feeling crappy since Tuesday. I think all of the collective stress just finally got my immune system to fold. I’ve been functioning at such a high level of stress for the last few months with the wedding, and the moving/housing issues…I told my mom that if you cut me, I’d bleed cortisol.

Speaking of moms…Jess pointed out yesterday that “at least your bio-mom called on D’s birthday”. That woman…erg.

Wow…bringing up my bio-mom has effectively given me writers block. I need to look at that…

Hiatus?

I tend to get emotionally constipated. I was working some of that out here, and then before I knew it, the stress level in our house mounted to unimaginable proportions and I stopped writing. Not just blogging, but writing at all. Actually, I stopped doing a lot of things. I’ve realized that because I’m not utilizing any outlets, I’m coming close to boiling over, which is not what I want.

So, here I sit.

Let’s see…it’s been quite a while. Not that I have a “loyal readership” or anything.

The wedding…was a huge cluster-f*ck, but really did change some things for me. I learned a lot about myself, and piece of paper or not, it has changed my relationship with Jess. I realize now that it was also a colossal waste of money, but that when the pictures come in I’ll be happy to see the moment in time that was our wedding. Plus, it’s official now…which makes me HAPPY!

I still haven’t told T all the things I want to. There never is a good/right time. I should probably just email him because with our schedules, it’s almost impossible to connect. *sigh* That’s lame. I should call him more often. I’m just afraid to. There was this moment, when we were at the rehearsal, and I saw the cake had been smashed at the top. All I could really do was cry…and walk away. He held me, and just stood there. I pulled away, and looked at him…I wanted him to fix it. He wanted to badly to say something, but didn’t really know what to say. It was a sweet moment…and I wanted to tell him, “It’s okay…there is no real fix, but you being here right in this moment is enough.” It’s really funny, because for all the “I’ve never had kids of my own” he says, he’s actually a really good dad. And he’s an awesome grampa. *sigh*

I still haven’t gone and changed my name…damn holidays.

We have no new word on the house. Oh wait, actually we do! We bid on a house that was co-owned by 2 banks (thank you to the “jumbo loan”) and one bank has approved our offer! Which means diddly squat until the other bank approves our offer too, but hey, we’re half way there!!

I have some friends who are really going through it right now, and it really REALLY puts my “ish” into perspective. I have a theory that no one can ever have a harder time than you, because only you know the depth/extent of your problems, and while we can always empathize, we cannot actually walk a mile in anyone’s shoes. Even those of us who have had the same experiences have experienced them differently. Having said all of that…my heart is scattered around the country right now with some of my “nearest and dearest”.

I’m so not tired, but have made a commitment to myself to go to sleep at 10 pm and wake up no later than 6:15 am. So in the next hour and five minutes I need to get tired. I’ve been sleeping until 9 the last 3 days…tomorrow will be a bit of “morning shock”. But, I already packed D’s bag, all I need to do now is set up the coffee maker, and pack some food for tomorrow.

And, for some reason, all I really feel like doing is sighing heavily.

We talked!

Last night, after 4 days of trying to figure out when the “perfect” time to call, T called me, and we got to talk! It was awkward and slightly uncomfortable, but not in a bad way. Actually, it reminded me somewhat of the conversations I used to have with my Dad when we were first reconnecting. But different, of course.

I told him all about the housing stuff, and all about my day. Finally talking to him, I actually just sort of talked and talked. I felt silly afterward, like maybe I talked too much. It was nice though, and I told him that it pretty much works like this: if you aren’t in my regular calling rotation, I stress out about calling at the “right” time. If I call you regularly, it becomes a habit, and then I do it all the time, without stress. (That goes for everyone, I either call regularly, or I don’t.)

Afterward, when D finally gave in to sleep, I talked to my mom and N. Due to a silly conversation between N and I, I ended up “introducing” my mom to the Real Doll. HAHAHAHAHA. (Sidenote: If you are reading this, and haven’t seen Lars and the Real Girl, I highly recommend it.)

The girls leave in a few days, and I am honestly going to miss them. I don’t spend as much time with Kimmie, but Mel is around more often, and the house will be unusually quiet without them. It will give me plenty of time to focus on the wedding, which…for the record, is IN 23 DAYS!! Wait, today is the 1st….22DAYS!!! Holy Hell.

I have SO much to do. Crazy amounts of stuff.

Lists, and crazyness.

Crap, I’m off to organize something. Back in a bit.

Le Tag

I was tagged by Monique…

A. Attached or Single: Attached…and getting moreso in 23 days.

B. Best Friend: I have a few.

C. Cake or Pie: Cake

D. Day of choice: Friday usually, the beginning of my weekend.

E. Essential Items: Family, my camera, coffee

F. Favorite Color: Red

G. Gummy Bears or worms: Neither, I hate them both.

H. Hometown: Well, I don’t feel like I have one, but if I had to name one, since home is currently in San Jose, I’ll say San Jose.

I. Indulgence: Uhm…not sure?

J. January or July: January!!! Woot!!! Birthday month!!!

K. Kids: I’ve got one of my own, two that I get paid to mind regularly, and several nieces and nephews.

L. Life isn’t complete without? Oh hell…that’s a list.

M. Marriage Date: Aug 23, 2008

N. Number of brothers/sisters: 2 step-brothers, 2 step-sisters, 2 half-sisters

O. Oranges or apples: Apples, I can’t have too much citric acid.

P. Phobias: Not sure I have any serious ones…I reserve the right to revisit this.

Q. Quotes: I have a lot of them, but this: “sometimes i wonder how the beauty of a flower or the softness in a kiss can be so dramatically lost in the translation of sensory input.” ~erin~ is my favorite.

R. Reasons to smile: D, family, blue sky, oh the list is endless.

S. Season of choice: I love them all, but in all honesty, we don’t have true seasons in Cali.

T. Tag 5 people…I cannot, but Mom..if you want to do this…and Brie, you too! (And, Nanci…you could pass it through CM or something)

U. Unknown fact about me: Well, I’m not sure. I’m pretty upfront. If anyone reads this and has a question, I’m fine to answer.

V. Vegetables: I love them. Almost all of them.

W. Worst habit: procrastination. Extra Super BIG time!!

X. X-ray or ultrasound: What kind of question is this??

Y. Your favorite food: I can’t choose just one.

Z. Zoo animal…which is your favorite? Uhm, I love polar bears. And sea lions. And otters….otters are my absolute favorite I think.

Tugging

Have you ever felt something pulling at you? Like, a dog at your ankle, or a child at your hand? Have you ever felt something pulling at your soul?

I do.

All my life I have felt the pull of G-d. It has varied, but for the last 12 years I have felt so called to Judaism. I found out about 10 years ago that my great-grandmother was Jewish and had converted to Catholicism when she met my great-grandfather.

I struggle with it. I don’t know why…

I have always believed in G-d. But, my relationship with G-d is intensely personal. It is mine, and while I feel so called and pulled toward Judaism, I’m afraid that I will not be able to be “right”. I struggle with any sort of organized anything, and truth be told, could probably find something wrong with water if given time to think. There are so many things I believe in, even with much research, and a few that I simply cannot get around, no matter what I do.

So, that leaves me feeling…rather empty about it all. I mean, I don’t go to Temple because I’m afraid of not fitting in. I am deathly afraid…and I don’t know what that is about. But, I feel so called that I have to. And it’s so strange because it doesn’t override my other beliefs for me. “Magic”…the Earth, the Stars.

My mom always says that your blood speaks to you. I know that mine does, but it speaks too many languages. So many languages…

All in one day…

They say that the winds of change blow swiftly, and that has always been my experience. The last several days have been so bad, I haven’t even wanted to write. I’ve come to WordPress, and petered around, but I haven’t written.

After the ridiculous LG house, we actually ran around all afternoon, seeing more houses.

We saw a great house, and talked the guys ear off, but in the end, he wanted someone in on Aug 1, and we could not figure out how to make that happen.

We went to the Kehoe place again. John liked it as much as we do. We dropped off our credit check forms, and the money for said check, and met the other owner.

Aside from the lime green master bedroom, we really love the house. We got a call today, and he said everything checks out, but he still needs to talk to his wife. I’m tenuous about getting too excited, but honestly, I want the house. There, I typed it. I want to live at that house. It’s pricey, but it’s a great home, and honestly, the owners want it well taken care of. We want a steady place to live, where we feel comfortable taking up some roots for a bit.

Jess and I fought like insaniacs on Sat. night, because of all the stress. We’d spent too many days high strung, and too much time in the car together. It was one of those ugly but not screaming fights. She cut a little low, in an effort to stop the fight. I was so pissed when I left, I was seeing red.

At my friend’s bday party, I talked to two of my “Mommy-friends” and they both reassured me that this is normal. Almost instantly, I felt so much better. Feeling less alone always helps.

When I came home, Jess had packed most of the office. Apparently our arguement sparked packing. On Sunday, I got some free boxes off Craigslist, and we drove by another house.

I was peeling our wall art down when T called. I wasn’t expecting him too, as I knew he and my mom were celebrating his birthday. He said he had a question for me. I said, “Shoot”.

Then…he lays this on me. “So, I’ve been doing some thinking, and I was wondering if you’d let me pay for the rest of the stuff for the wedding?”

I was speechless, and instantly, tears streamed down my face.

I knew his intention was pure, and honestly, the offer meant more to me than any money in the world.

I talked to him for a few more minutes and then had to go because my cry had turned in to a sob.

That is what is “supposed” to happen. A Dad is supposed to pay for a daughter’s wedding. Except he’s not my dad, and I’m not his daughter. But, the feeling was so overwhelming, I had to take some time.

It is a rough time right now, and that…was an amazing moment. That certainly frees up other money. But, it’s so much more than that. And, nothing that words can seem to cover. I can’t seem to express why it means so much to me.

Today, when we heard from the owner of the Kehoe place…I started to feel like things are turning up.

And, as I was typing this, got a text that my “other mom” was informed today that now her house is going on the market. (She has been in a long time rental situation, 10+ years) Yup. Times, times are tough right now.